This is the third and final installment on this series of the blog. It has been very challenging for me to write this final piece because in all honesty, shit got crazy. I felt that it was a sign from the universe to write this now because as my fingers graze across the keys there is lava is heading straight towards where this whole story takes place. It is like nature is transforming that whole place for me. Clearly, my satisfaction is bittersweet thinking of the people that live there and I’m sending them light and love. Without further hesitation here is the last part of the story. Getting in the car and leaving for Kona was a gift. Driving on the big island is crazy because you go through so many different environments. It’s absolutely beautiful. I was talking to my fellow driving mate about the program and Bill and even she, who had known him Bill for years was disappointed in the program. I was totally broke at this point, but I didn’t care. I had $17.00 in my bank account but I went on the trip to Kona anyways. Not having money was a factor for me to think about if I did leave the program. How could stay in Hawaii? I had already started to look for yoga jobs, but there were none. Puna is not a hot bed of economic activity. My mind raced like the passing landscape about what to do. My friend, let’s call her Lily, had to see a client when we got to Kona. I didn’t know what that meant at first and then I realized that she was talking about prostitution. She never confirmed this for me, so possibly I’m wrong, but there was something so sad in her like she didn’t want to go. She asked me if I wanted to join her and make some money, but I said no. I spent $4 on a latte and watched the sunset. I hadn’t seen a sunset in a month being on the other side of the island and it was so breath taking. I had never felt so grateful to be drinking my latte and not having to sell myself. There is not a lot of opportunity on the island to make money especially if you live in Puna and especially if you have a child and a drunk mother to take care of. My heart empathized with her situation. Haven’t we all sold ourselves at some point on some level? When she finished, we stayed at her friends house and have a lovely rest of the time in Kona. As we start to drive back on Sunday evening to Puna, the knots in my stomach started up again and I knew trouble is ahead. When I got back to the house I sat in silence in the middle of the floor just looking around trying to speculate what tomorrow will bring. Morning came and I went down to the black sand beach to swim and hopefully see the dolphins. The waves had been getting bigger and were at a point where it wasn’t safe to swim in the ocean. I went back to the house and class was about to begin. Bill opens up the class with, “how is everyone feeling today? Good? Let’s begin by getting naked and practicing sensual massage.” Like a cartoon there was fire coming out from my ears and in my eyes. How could he do this! After our heart to heart, how could he take it back to the place of just wanting to get naked. I was crushed. At that point I just said I wasn’t doing anything and went to my computer. I hadn’t been talking to the miscarriage guy at all and in my moment of distress he messaged me on Gchat. I started typing feverishly to him about the state of this crazy place and what’s been happening. I unleashed it all on him. He told me that I need to leave to as soon as possible, and I agreed. My family must have been able to feel my pain because then the texts and emails started coming through (I couldn’t receive phone calls due to lack of service at the house) After weeks of silence I finally told my Mom what had been happening at the training. Within seconds she was looking up flights back to the mainland. I felt like a failure, a fuck up, idiot, gullible, weak, broken, disappointed and worthless person. I had put everything on the line for this program and it didn’t work out so now I was going to have to leave the island and figure out what to do for the remaining month without my apartment that leased. I started packing up my stuff to stay with a woman that had left the program but was still on the island. I had a final conversation with Bill as I was packing. He tried to convince me that I was giving up, that I was bailing out on all the others, that I wasn’t good enough. Ironically, these were all the stories I normally told myself, but in that moment of him trying to beat me down I stood up for myself. And I told him, "Bill for the first time I am being good enough to know when to leave because that is in my best interest." So fuck off. I got picked up and suddenly was in a beautiful, luxurious home with other women that had left the program. It all seemed surreal. There were talks about how to get our money back, legal issues, pain and suffering. I told my mom I wanted some time to enjoy the island for a few days before leaving to see the parts of Hawaii that are so magical. My last morning I wanted to take beautiful nude photos on the black sand beach that I had always wanted since seeing the Chris Issac music video for “Wicked Game”. One of the sweet Kiwi ladies took them for me and I felt a peace within me being exposed on the black sand beach against my white skin. It made me think of the balance between yin and yan. Then I was off to go back to the mainland to figure out what was next. To wrap things up of what happened when I returned, the guy I told everything to stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to the man that loved me, lululemon didn’t hire me back, and I was completely fucked up in the head over the whole experience working odd jobs that I disliked immensely. My whole world was crashing down around me. I had this moment on my deck where I just balled my eyes out and it became clear at this point that I can let this break me or rebuild me. I chose to let it rebuild me and I’ve been moving forward ever since. It is the reason why you reading this blog right now. That is thing about life, we always have a choice. No matter how gnarly, horrible, painful, unfair shit is going on, there is always a choice. You never know that you have wings until you trust yourself to fly. So fly on little wing. My wish for you is that no matter what has happened you choose love, forgiveness, and trust. Light and love.
2 Comments
In speaking with many different people I hear a lot of feedback in the area of not feeling fully empowered in the bedroom. If you are in a serious relationship with someone or are in the beginning stages these tips will help you keep that chemistry above a simmer. 1.) Set a Time for Play Time People often say that they don’t have time for hours of romping around in between the sheets. They seem book their schedule with gatherings, tv program viewing, dinners, movies, the list is endless. Try instead, scheduling things that help you connect with your partner. Use the time that you would spend watching a movie and be with each other, naked. Not drinking, or talking about work just being present, sensual and sexual beings with each other. Enjoy the process of drinking each other in, gazing, and sweating all of the goodness you can create. Make it delicious, luxurious, and long. 2.) Ask For What You Want Since you have made the time to play with your partner it’s time to use it wisely. Ask for what you want them to do to you. This is not the moment where you say, "whatever you want is what I like", let’s just own up to that very rarely lines up to what WE really want in that moment. If you aren’t sure what it is that you enjoy, perhaps set aside some time to learn yourself more so that you can answer fully, “I like it when you do this.” Confidence is key and this help you feel empowered with your lover. When you are feeling confident you be more desirable to your partner, no one wants to sleep with a door mat. 3.) Eye Gazing Eye Gazing may sound like a cheesy thing to do, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is one of the sexiest, most potent things I have ever done. The tendency in sex is to check out, to start thinking about other things. The check out can be thinking about what you are going to do after the sex, or worrying about body issues. The key point is that you have lost the true connection with your partner because you are in your head and not your heart and body. How to get reconnected with your partner and out of your head is to eye gaze. Look into each other’s eye and breathe. If one person wants to look away, make a game to see how long you can hold the gaze in different positions. Allow yourself to be present in your love making and I guarantee it help you feel more empowered in many ways other than just sexually. There you have it, my three quick tips for empowerment in the bedroom. If you are having a sex with someone you should be able to create some time to spend naked having fun with each other, being able to ask for what you want, and looking at them while you do the things you just asked for. If you answer no to some of these, well, that’s another blog or contact me for a session. Just remember to not shame yourself, but rather love yourself where you are at. Sensuality is awakening process not a porn set. Throw Back Thursday Riding the Waves of Life The blog I have been writing about recently is about my Hawaii experience. Sometimes in life the most challenging parts are the ones with the most juice, the most potential for growth if you choose it. Sometimes all there is do is say a prayer and let go and swim. July 21st 2013 I just free swam 10 foot waves. Waves that no other free swimmer was swimming in. I swam out past where the surf line up was with my friend that had taken me to Kona and out Puna where I am staying. When we left to swim I wasn’t really fully thinking about how big the waves were. I just said a prayer before I went out and let go. Getting out is way easier because the way that the tide pulls you. The water was deep. I kept swimming. I had to duck under the massive waves so that I didn’t get taken out by them and the surfers. Was it a little scary? Yes. It wasn’t just the water but shear energy of the waves, surfers, the coral underneath me, and the looming fear of what was happening with the training. I’ve never really thought of myself as a good swimmer, until today. My friend and I just kept on getting crazy looks from the surfers and their mouths dropped with shocked that we were crazy enough to do this swim. But, onward we went. When you finally get past the point break it is a mellow bob of waves. There was tons of tropical fish of yellows and blues swimming beneath me. Diving deep you can feel the pressure of all the water, then I remember that I am in the middle of the largest ocean on planet earth. We played out in the mellowness for at least an hour treading the whole time. I hadn’t even thought about how we were going to swim back in. There isn’t just waves but an epic coral reef that has a potential to really fuck a person up. We started our journey back towards the sand. I swallow some salt water and panic a bit, but then I remember to breath. I’m free swimming in waves that have traveled 1,000’s of miles to end their journey right where I am trying to land. You have to catch the perfect timing to not get thrashed. All my ego wants to do is freak out, but I keep coming back to my breath. “Let go, stay calm Liz, it is all going to work out.” One of the surfers felt nervous about what we were doing that he comes out to help us back in. Basically, the best thing to do is doggy paddle and throw yourself into the frothy waves. I cursed myself for being so dumb and reckless a few times because I was so scared I wasn’t going to have the strength to make it in. I finally reach the where the coral is and the water is shallow. I trust myself and float over the sharp coral. Finally, my hands reach the sand. I scramble out of the water feeling totally exhausted. I’ve made it. I looked back out at the 10 foot waves and started to cry. Another surfer came up to me and my friend and said, “Oh man, you girls are hard core swimming out there. Not even the locals free swim these waves.” I truly met and faced my fears today. I was able to move through them with grace and trust. It is a gift to be alive, no matter how scary the circumstances. Maybe you have been in a situation where you feel the waves are 10 feet over your head. You feel so small and powerless in the moment. When you follow the lead of your heart, you can never go wrong. Keep trusting that it will all work out no matter how big the waves are. Identify some big waves in your life and see where you can let go and trust. |
Liz DavisHealer. Coach. Yogini. Lover. Writer. Risk Taker. Truth Seeker. CategoriesAll Alternative Healing Health Love Relationships Sex Spirituality Spirituality Travel Yoga |