Sometimes when I am alone, I think I’ll be this way forever. Then I think about it more and I realize I am never alone. I feel connected to everything in such a profound way, sometimes I take it for granted. Luckily, I have people in my life that are able to reflect the magnificence of how I perceive the world. No one is an island.
I remember wanting to be an island in disguise. Social in nature, but hiding my true self away for safekeeping from the big, bad, ugly world. I was not ready to take the mask off to reveal this deeper side of myself. I have this deep spiritual connection I feel in every moment I exist. I see magic in every moment. I do. I truly do. And I wanted so desperately to hide that sensitivity that I viewed as weakness.
I started to see this pattern of shutting down to protect myself. I cut myself off from things to prevent it from becoming potentially painful due to disappointment, betrayal, dishonor, and all the other things that we fear others will do to our fragile hearts.
I felt that it was enough to know that I am a sovereign individual underneath the mask. I could keep the special parts of me safe if I could just play all the games to fit in. For who could ever really see me, handle me, or enjoy the intensity of just being around me?
Now with some elevated awareness I am to see that I am already am seen, and I don’t need someone to handle me, and I love my intensity. The mask was my own fear. When I pulled it off even further and saw that it was my own lack of self worth.
I feel that sometimes saying I had lack of self worth doesn’t even truly describe what that feels like on the inside of your soul. You feel conflicted, unsure, unworthy, stupid, and you constantly try to fit in and do things that you think will make others happy or like you more. You constantly keep giving yourself away to ideas or activities that you know you do not want to do, yet feel unable to stop from doing them.
It is the moteum of choosing drama and distraction in your life to give yourself something to talk about to ignore how truly fucking bored and unhappy you really are. You pick up habits that reaffirm all of those horrible things you think about yourself. You think about how horrible you are and you self actualized evidence for that fact regularly.
You cling to the material world for a sense of self and worthiness. Even when you get some material gains, it still feels like you come up short. This is because true happiness without the mask on is an inside job. No one can buy it for you, fuck you into feeling it, fly you all around the world, or put a ring on it. It has to be created from the inside of your soul.
When we wear the mask over our true soul’s desire we crush our soul and our happiness. We miss out on the greatest gift, life. Being physical. The opportunity to feel, touch, cry, laugh, smile, kiss, to be ourselves. And holding back from who you truly are is the ultimate betrayal … to yourself.
So don’t hold back from love, experience, something new, the unknown, just because you scared you’ll get your heart broken. Smash your heart free of the prison of holding any part of who you are back. That’s what I just did and feels like the freedom I had always been searching for. Your turn.
In the spiritual practice of life, people we encounter are always mirrors for us. Years ago, my father’s girlfriend even told me, “The greatest piece of wisdom I can give you is, everyone you meet is for a reason.” That has stuck through me through the years as not only a philosophy, but as a practice. The reason is that we can better understand ourselves through the reflection of another.
When I first read Viktor E. Frankl’s, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” and heard this reflection concept, it pissed me off to no end that I need others to know myself. This particular quote is what struck my heart and scrambled my brain the most:
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
What we judge in others can often be what we judge in ourselves, or growth that we have evolved from, or things that are unknown and scary to us. In our personal relationships, especially with love, I feel is the ultimate place of growth for oneself. When faced with a partner you are forced to look at “your dark shit”.
Whether you shut down, freak out, get jealous, or act out. All of these examples are just separating yourself from love. Recently, I just traveled to Panama with a lover of mine, where he lives. The the amazing scenery what was breathtaking, but what was the most beautiful experience was the lessons I learned on the inside through gazing at the mirror reflecting who is the fairest of them all. Yourself.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” wrote Eleanor Roosevelt in her autobiography. In our world of total connection and access into people’s lives it can be so easy to compare yourself to others that leaves you feeling less than. So when faced with situations that are making you feel stupid, jealous, worried, nervous, whatever the situation, you are the one that is choosing that as your experience.
Realizing this concept is especially powerful to acknowledge in your relationships. Let me clarify this concept, as it can be a bit tricky sometimes. Say your partner is mean or judging you, and you think this is acceptable because somewhere in life you must be judging people and being mean to them. No, that is not it. The underlying lesson, or mirror would be what part of you believes that you deserve to be treated meanly? This is how we start to uncover parts of ourselves that otherwise remain unchallenged.
Just like Frankl was saying, part of the mirror is helping us break out of whatever fear or victimhood we have been living in and rise up to the full love we have for ourselves. That is the power of reflection. When you are one on one with each, hide as you might, it all starts to come out in the laundry. Especially when you take a trip with someone to a country where you can’t hid behind all the gizmos and gadgets that occupy our modern lives.
So ask yourselves these questions:
Where have I been giving up my own power?
Who have I let make me feel less than special?
What situations really take me out of my center?
The more you start to understand your ticks and triggers the better we can navigate them with ourselves and others. For me, when I’m being a hardass or bitchy, I am usually feel the most vulnerable about a situation. That is my armor, my protection for being seen for being sensitive to the situation. The funny thing is about armor is that it blocks you from feeling totally free in yourself, and in the moment.
Then the moment is over and you acted like a hard ass and your heart hurts more because you didn’t set it free. Setting your heart free is what I feel we are here to do on Earth. I feel that is ultimate mastery to constantly be bringing awareness to in every moment.
So, mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all? It’s you. It’s all of you. The light, the dark, the experiences, the way you were raised, all of it. The more we start to acknowledge and move forward the more freedom we have in our lives on a real level not just chasing down drinks, drugs, and sex to fill a void within us.
This is what I learned from my mirror. To love yourself and others in a way that makes them feel free by acknowledging what is coming up from the experience you are in, rather than hiding or turning into little old poor me. So, my advice is look at the entire world as a lesson, you the observer, and the universe the conductor of it all. All the everything on the ride called life with light and love.
Photo Credit: Andrew Masi of www.masifoto.com
,The “Ex Files” is how I like to refer to past relationships in my life. It somehow helps me put a comedic vibe around the situation and intense love I feel for the men I have dated in my life. Perhaps, like me, you have reopened a case a time or two, and the question remains, should the file stay closed or be opened?
Relationships are tricky, complex, and full love. Where does the love go when you break up with someone? Sometimes when you break up there is an easy, clear sign that the two of you were not meant to be together.
Then, other times there is more gray area around the breakup. Perhaps the gray area in your "ex file" was that you had great sex, you enjoy the same activities, or perhaps you just like to dislike each other. But, at some point sometimes we feel tempted to open an "ex file" back up.
I had always been a person that opens the files back up. As I’m gaining more awareness around my habits and choices that is shifting, and for the better. Someone once told me that, “You are ex’s for a reason,” and I felt bound and determined to change their minds on that statement. Somehow my loves were different and we could break up and make up.
What makes us go back to a relationship that has already ended and think that it will be different? I used to honestly believe that a person could pull a total 180 in a span of a week or even just a couple days apart. Now, I know better and I keep the files and the fantasy closed.
Love is an amazing drug and sometimes it can play tricks on us. Let’s be honest, the high of unpredictable and unstable relationship can be so much fun in a weird and twisted way. You at least can predict what will mostly likely happen in the relationship. And, for some reason, even though the relationship is unhealthy you rationalize, at least you are in one. That was my mentality for years.
Truth be told I would convince myself that in the short span of time away from this person they had turned into the saint. A saint I had always dreamed they could be. I can honestly say I have never seen a person shift their entire way of being in a week or a month or two. It takes time and commitment for a person to cultivate lasting change. Even when doing your self developmental growth, stuff will still come up and you will need to process and integrate it.
Why does it take time to shift? Because you need time to put your self awareness into practice. You need to be back in the fire of jealously, co-dependancy, sex, whatever the issue was that caused the two of you to break up to truly see if you have gained an awareness around it.
It is easy to think you have changed when you haven’t been confronted by those demons or challenges with this person again. Often, our "ex files" know exactly how to trigger our insecurities and can send us in a tailspin.
Sometimes, we just see the potential of a person and it keeps us coming back as well. We just think that if that person could just be this or that then we could be together. If I love them enough then they will change into version of themselves that is better, but, that isn’t love either.
You cannot love someone’s potential. You must love someone for they are in this moment. If you can’t get on board with that, don’t try to date them again. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the person either. Everyone deserves to be with a person that truly loves them as they are.
In summary, it takes courage and confidence to keep the ex files shut, but it is worth it in the long run. Perhaps, if they ever open again let there be years between and other relationships and life lessons.
If you truly love someone sometimes you need to fully let them go in order for both parties to move on. Sometimes you have to rush upon your own blade and break up with them if they are unwilling or wanting to it end it.
Write their name on a manilla folder and let it burn away. You’ll feel much better when you do. Wishing you all the love and support you need in your life!
You may remember the moment in the movie the Goonies when Brand and Andy start to make out and Chunk and Data have a beautiful rhyme they say. “Shame, shame, it knows your name.” It is moments like that can define and shape your life that might potentially crush your potential for a happy and abundant life.
Shame is defined as, a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. When was the last time you felt shame? Your shaming might be so subtle that you hadn’t even realized that you have done it. If confidence is the sexiest attribute a person can display, then shame is the silent killer of your confidence, worthiness, happiness and abundance.
How do we derail this shame train? How can we evolve past this outdated record of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety? The answer quite simply is awareness. There is no other way to move past this beast other than to look at straight in the eyes and ask, “What is it that you need me to do in order to silence this broken record?”
How I became present to the shame in my life was listening to my thoughts. What am I thinking about? How am I focusing my mind? What am I feeling when I go through the motions of habits? In order to get clear and hear that inner chatter, one must allow and give permission to be aware of how you are moving through your life.
If you have the shame in your head, chances are shame has also manifested in the form of relationships that you choose to engage in. The word relationship has four different definitions. I think it is important to understand definitions because that is the energy of the word that you are using, so it is imperative to be clear.
The four definitions of relationship are:
So look at all these different relationships in your life and get clear with yourself about patterns that you notice. How does the relationship flow? Does the energy exchange between the parties seem equal? Is there some part of you that enjoys the drama of the shame in the relationship?
That’s the thing about shame. It is so hard to look at your actions, especially when they are super gnarly and go, yes I’m into that pain and shame. In some weird dark corner of my mind that has kept me safe.
The good news is, things don’t have to stay the same. There is no need to keep playing the same old track of shame. But, in order to move forward you need to step into the space of the unknown.
The unknown can be more scary than the shame train because at least we know all the stops on track. The unknown is jumping off the train before it has even stopped, in a town and place you don’t know at all. That my friends, is the juice of life. That is what I believe we are here to do with our time on earth, evolve.
The good news is that you don’t have to jump alone. So many of us struggle with this very thing. The more we can talk about it, the less it has a hold on our lives. The hardest thing is acknowledging for yourself and then asking for help.
I would love to serve you in your jump off the shame train. It’s a jump I constantly have to do in order to move forward in my life. Click this link http://www.lizcdavis.com/work-with-me.html and let’s plan your freedom strategy! Let's use the mentality that the goonies did, Goonies never say DIE!
In the world of Hollywood and fashion, there seems to be this intense focus on the less you wear, the more empowered you are. From Beyonce’ dress at the Met Gala to MIley’s performance at the VMA’s, the message is clear: wearing less is more.
It is true that sex sells, but what kind of sex are we selling? Are we selling the kind of sex that makes men respect women? And more importantly are we selling the kind of sex that allows us as women respect ourselves?
So this fuels the question: what does it mean to be sexually empowered? Does it simply mean feeling comfortable with being naked? Or is it the “power” that comes with feeling indifferent about those you sleep with?
Does it mean you feel comfortable grinding on things and sticking your tongue out at every moment? What truly defines sexual empowerment?
For me, in my own journey of sexual empowerment I had to look at 3 different aspects of my life to fully actualize my sexual power.
1.) If you are engaging in any form of sex ONLY to make someone else happy, you aren’t sexually empowered.
2.) If you are doing something to validate your worthiness of love, you aren’t sexually empowered.
3.) If you are sleeping/hooking up with someone to feel good about yourself, or to distract from your life are not sexually empowered.
To be sexually empowered is to own your sexuality and have respect for your body, mind, and spirit. This is where we got lost with our sexual empowerment. We focus on the act of “fucking" and not the feeling we get in our mind, body and soul ??
In our society, media outlets like, social media, the celebrity gossip, and even what we watch would have us believe that if you flaunt it, then you are sexually empowered. Or if you have a lot of sex and party, then you are sexually empowered. If you say the word cock or pussy on t.v. then that makes you a sexual goddess.
To me, we are so lost from the true beauty that emanates from a true sexually empowered goddess. One of my favorite quotes from a total boss goddess, Audrey Hepburn, says this,
“There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.”
That being said, I think what Audrey is also speaking to in this quote is confidence. A woman that is in love with herself is innately sexy. You can feel the energy coming off of her. There is this intoxicating force and you wait with bated breath for this beautiful goddess to shine a light on you.
This isn't about self deprivation of your sexually and turning us back to the Puritans either. Sexual empowerment is checking in with what is motivating your sexual drive and choices.
I, myself have struggled with self worth issues and sexual disempowerment. I used to think I was very sexually empowered because I could just not feel attached to the person and just, “have fun”.
Through the years of my spiritual awakening, I learned that I was trying to love myself through the attention of men. It was just so easy to reel them in. But no matter how many liked me, or how many hearts I broke, nothing could shift the big hole that was inside of me.
I know how appealing it can be to just stick with the hyper sexualized version of yourself, versus being vulernable and being you.
Just because you dress sexy, or have sex doesn’t mean you worthiness within. Do you connect with the partners that you have? Do you feel like you walk away having respect for yourself and the choices and actions you made? Do you feel that you’re worthy of someone totally worshiping you in bed? If someone did worship you in bed, could you even handle it?
My friend, these are some of the questions you might need to ask yourself, to find out if you are truly moving from a place of self love and empowerment in your sexual choices.
We all have our days where something hasn’t gone right or someone hurts us, and we are feeling less then fresh. Perhaps we call an ex to fill the void, get dressed up and go to the club, or jump on tinder to ease our sad hearts. Do you truly feel better after doing any of things? Does it really make you feel happy in the long run?
Perhaps, we can start to shift our perception of what makes someone truly sexually empowered. To me, that is working our largest erogenous zone, the brain. When we move from a place of being centered within ourselves, then we are able to make sexual choices that feel right to us, versus trying to fill a void of self loathing.
Being sexually empowered is being the love of your life to yourself first. We can only love people as much as we love ourselves, and loving yourself is the way to empower yourself sexually and in every other aspect of your life.
I know what it feels like to be so lost on this trail of in a hyper sexual world that has little to no sexual education other than porn or movies.
If you are ready to start waking up your innate right to sexual empowerment, then please jump over to my work with me page Work With Me page and fill out an application.
If you are wanting to be in the best sexual relationship of your life, it starts with the relationship that you have to your own sexuality. Thank you for reading. Please leave any thoughts or comments if you feel compelled to do so.
It is flash back Friday, and I haven’t blogged in awhile, so I felt that this was the perfect time to jump back on the train! There is no time like the present. I was cleaning my apartment the other day and found these old legal pads with tons of notes I had written from years ago.
It was like going back into a time machine. I could see the exact place I was when I was writing these random details of names, places I interviewed, the whole nine. When I found this entry, I was so excited to read it again.
It takes me back to a place in time in my life where I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just went along with what I thought my only option was, to get a 9 to 5 job. There was always this part inside that wondered, is this truly my life calling?
To look at my life now, and my coaching work that I am offering, teaching yoga, and serving others is the best job ever. I wake up every day and I am so excited to be offering the same things that changed my life. It is truly a gift. Entry’s like this make the struggle all worth it.
So if you are at a place in your life you feel overwhelmed or how did I get here, or where is my life going, just relax and breathe because it all works out in the end.
Date: Sometime in the Summer of 2008
I’m at Grand Central Station at the culmination of interview week here in NYC. I have decided that interviewing is like going to the doctors office. You go into a place that you feel nervous about.
You have no idea what they are going to tell you or how your life is going to change whenever you leave. When you finally arrive you have to fill out paper work, often redundant, and go through a list of either people you know or things you have done or think you might have.
Then once you get the paper work done, you still have to sit and wait. The room you wait in so sterile and quiet, you think you are hear people breathing or their heart beating.
Then, finally, praise god, you get taken back to yet, another room. This is where you wait again for someone to come to see you. Finally, the person of authority comes in and they look at your paper work. They glance up and down between you and the paper work and all you try to do is decipher what a complete stranger is thinking about you.
Then post read is a linty of questions that they ask you. They ask the same question 5 different ways to see if you answer differently, then test you for something else that “needed some clarification”. Finally, they send you packing out the door with a head full of questions and possibly a inferiority complex.
And just like waiting to get test results back, so is the wait on the call back of if you got the job. As it stands right now, I have no idea what the future may hold for me, but I do feel that I am on the brink of something incredible. Maybe its just being in this city. Or maybe its just me. Either way, what a ride. I never want to go to the doctor or an interview ever again.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that it brought some light heartedness to your day. We always shift and change. The only that is constant is change. Might as well let your self have fun and notice the funny life details as you move through it.
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Light and love,