Suicide. Depression. Mental health. These are topics that when sometimes brought up can make many people squirm with anxiety and discomfort. But, why? Regardless, if it makes you squirm, I need to talk about it.
I recently just had my oldest and best friend, a sister to me, sometimes felt like my child, took her own life early in the morning on Sunday a few weeks ago.
I had this blog written since the day after it happened and I held back on sharing it. I thought maybe it was too personal, or I needed more time to process, or maybe I just didn’t want it to be real, but realness is what we need in this world.
I didn’t find out that she died the same day it happened. I heard about her from my sister who saw it on Facebook on Tuesday evening. She had already been dead for two days and I was just now finding out.
I started balling hearing the words come out of my sister’s mouth because my best friend is dead and in addition to that I feel like such a shitty friend. How could I not have known soon? Or felt it? Or done more? These are the questions that start to flood your mind.
Our day in age feels weird to me sometimes because I discover life changing information on a screen, through a social media page where people are posting pictures and prayers, yet you can’t feel their hug or share a tear.
I’m so grateful that my sister called me to let me know about Lanna. If she hadn’t then I would’ve have had to just stare at my screen with no one to be there to hold space for me as I completely “lost it”.
I’m not sure what “it” means for most, but it was for me a slow eruption of pain from the bottom of my belly that seemed to collapse all of my organs into themselves. The energy surged up through my body like tidal wave that blasted through my eyes like they were liquid razors. I let out a cry and a moan with audible pain in my voice, “No,not Lanna!!!” I cried through the phone to my sister.
Lanna had struggled with depression that had lead to drug use. I agree with Russell Brand’s philosophy that drugs aren’t a legal issue, but a mental health issue. One doesn’t just start taking pills, heroin, coke, meth or whatever because they feel stoked on life. You take drugs because they take out of your current reality and give you a different reality.
You would have never known that she was struggling with depression or drugs. She never was outwardly sad. She always was laughing and cracking jokes. She had the best laugh ever. As kids we would laugh so hard we literally couldn’t stop for minutes at time.
But, life happens and people have trauma that occurs and we pick how we would like to handle that trauma. For most us, we do nothing. You feel wrong or ashamed of having problems and just drink or drug away their pain remaining on the surface of the pain that lives inside of them.
I learned that I do this from losing my best friend. I have habits, addictions, dark thoughts, that I don’t feel proud of but it sure does feel good just acknowledging that I have them. It takes away the power of the darkness.
When we isolate the darkness into the confines of our own mind you convince yourself you must be the only one that feels this fucked up and dark. To silence the voice of shame you find something that makes you feel better, but it never does, it only intensifies it.
This is why I am 100% committed to creating a space and offerings for people to know they have a place where they can be themselves. Despite our closeness, Lanna was holding back from telling me about the depth of her troubles. I could feel her holding back from telling me because perhaps she thought I would be disappointed, judge her, or freaked out by them.
I told her that she had a space and still she held back. Holding back what is needing to come out of you will drive you crazy. We need to start holding a space for people to talk about sexual abuse, childhood trauma, destructive habit patterns, what tools to use to help alleviate them, and a uplifting community.
Friends, whatever has happened in your life is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is on their own journey and has ups and downs we need to cultivate a feeling of being comfortable with our darkness.
Ask your friends, what has been one of the most difficult experiences of your life? Then just sit there and listen. Be present with them we never know when our last interaction will be our last.
I know that you didn’t know my friend Lanna, but you may have a friend just like her. We grew up riding horses so there is a fund raiser trail ride in her honor to raise money for suicide prevention and help.
If you feel you would like to donate: http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.personalCampaign&participantID=1227226
Thank you for your time. Light and love to you and yours.
It’s 2/22 which, for me, is a very powerful day. Combinations of numbers is one way the universe communicates with us. It also is how we can access more energy (using day like today) to bring about the change we wish to see in our lives.
222 is the number of faith, balance, encouragement and trust. It means it is time to trust that things are all unfolding as they should even if it seems like everything is unraveling at the seams. It probably is, but that’s okay that is where we grow from the shit to the flower.
I have been feeling off balance within myself the last two weeks. I have been feeling super high and focused and then moments of feeling unfocused, thinking "What have I done with my life?" and I want to puke. Having my life goals and feeling and having the thoughts of I'm behind or not where I “should” be. The only place you should be is right where you are, what’s next is your choice.
The transformation process is not all roses and sunshine, but I choose to allow the lessons and growth in. It is so interesting to me that you can be having a great day then all of sudden you see a post, or have an interaction, or someone says something to you questions your life path and it just throws you.
The dark can be cozy sometimes. I find while playing in the dark my eyes get sharper and my patience fades. My optimism is clouded over with blasé who cares anyway attitude. People love to talk about how miserable these life and times with you. As the saying goes, “misery loves company."
I say out loud to myself, “Stop it!” This is madness you are thinking. A someone questioning your life path does make your life meaningless and it for sure should NOT steal my happiness. Life on Earth all throughout history is crazy life and times it’s how we choose to operate in our lives that sets the tone of your personal life.
This is our invitation for ourselves this 2/22 and everyday is creating that mental, unshakable balance and faith within yourself and all that you wish and want to do. Your path is simply that, your path. It is silly to compare or judge because we all are different people. We all have our own soul path. We are like snow flakes.
We must believe in ourselves and your purpose in the world. We must have faith that your worth does not come from the amount of followers or likes you have.
If you don’t know what your purpose is, perhaps just ask yourself the question and ruminate with it. Take time to spend time with just you. Not looking at your phone having other people tell you what to think, what is cool, what to buy, and what you are lacking.
Put more effort towards soul success then all areas of life will flourish.
Create what you want! Write it down, do a vision board, whatever you need to get clear on what you want, stand for, believe in, and contribute to in your life experience.
If you can’t be your own best cheerleader no matter how many self help Tony Robbins, Hay House listening, channeling, goddess circles, burning mans you go to, it will never feel as good as the moment you look in the mirror with unshakable faith and say to yourself, “You fucking got this and I love you." Happy 222 and congratulations on your faith and belief in yourself!
I don’t know how to love other than 100%. When I meet someone that I am attracted to that has that glow about them I am just enamored and in love in .2 seconds. Then, 0.1 second later there is a voice that comes in my head that says, whatever fear based belief this person is bringing up for me.
Isn’t it funny how our mind can be the meanest bully on the block? The mental aspect of things can trip us up and move us away from center and our space of loving. It sometimes takes us down a rabbit hole of weirdness.
Dispite the weirdness, I still feel deep in my heart a beautiful symphony, birds are chirping, and there is sunshine. When I try to put my love into words or action, it can be hard to let it out or take that step or trust that I can go there with a person.
I have noticed recently that although I love with all my heart I still keep parts myself imprisoned by fear. Especially, In my relationships with men I sometimes hold back from staying present and open.
I go to my head with all my stories of trauma and wrongdoing to myself and others from past relationships. I think about if this person will leave me brokenhearted on the side of the road even when they are right in front of me and that moment is so far down the road or never at all.
I think am I worthy of love? Is this person worthy of my love? So I start looking for clues. I look at their body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc, all these things that I use to know more about this person. I play games to test them. The checklist and games gives me a false sense of power , but now I’m out of the present moment and in a place of fear.
Maybe you feel this way too. Like you are a part time CSI investigator of this person that might murder your heart and we need to follow the clues. Maybe what we need to be doing instead of being a CSI investigator is start to come back to a place where we aren’t afraid of living.
Why am I searching for things this person is doing wrong? I am scared that I will get my heartbroken, why don’t I want to experience that? Because I don’t want to feel pain. I don’t want to go through another experience like that.
Why are we so afraid of feeling pain? The times of my life that have been the most painful have been the most illuminating and transformative moments of my life.
A few weeks ago, I met this man that told me, “You are the type of woman that makes me believe in God.” In the moment, I was the giddiest girl in the world. I felt my blood turn to adrenaline and I let myself fall into the moment. I felt everything and then nothing and then I dissolved in the moment. I was so there it’s hard to remember. It was incredible.
I felt myself open up to this person because I felt that he saw me beyond the physical form, but as a spiritual being, a goddess. What he said invoked a feeling within me to remember self love. To remember always that no one else can be you, only you can be you, and that makes you special.
After the experience, I went over to a sagely friends house I told her about it.
She asked me if I spoken with this person and I told her I felt like I needed to wait a few days before reaching out as to not appear desperate or crazy. She looks at me with utter confusion and says to me,
“Your generation is absolutely mad. You are all terrified of feeling things. You had an amazing experience with this person and you just pretend that it’s meaningless by the actions that you choose.”
I tell her, “Keep going.”
She finishes off with, “If you had an incredible time with someone you should let them know. Who cares how they respond to it, but let yourself express the emotions and the feelings that came with it. Stop trying to cut out certain experiences life has to offer by controlling how you engage with other people emotionally.”
I messaged him. I told him, “ I can’t stop thinking about that moment we shared.” My heart was pounding, I felt sweat come from my forehead, but I felt the aliveness in me. I didn't care if I ever heard back from him I just wanted to keep this feeling moving through me!
Pulsatating life and expereince that is what matters. Me living my life! It doesn’t matter if I make him feel like God exists what matters is me feeling close to God and life! The surge, the rush, the excitement of it all! How they feel is on them and no one can take away your worth but YOU!
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”― Eleanor Roosevelt
I learned so much from this experience. I learned to trust myself to open up more in the moment and let go some of the you should do this… and should not do this.. voice in my head. That is living. That is being alive! I feel things this is a great thing!
So let’s all start to match the love that we have inside our hearts to the actions we take and the thoughts we think and allow ourselves to LIVE without fear, to LOVE without fear. How we stay in love is staying in love with ourselves in all our beautiful rawness and intensity.
This morning I woke up alone. Again. I felt the missing warmth on the left side of the bed that started as sadness, had now turned into rage. I screamed out loud, “Why aren’t you sleeping with me anymore Luna!?”. Luna, licked his paws and kept grooming himself. He’s a man cat with a lady name, like a boy named Sue.
He looked at me with a blank stare. His green eyes were piercing my soul. He blinked once aloofly and then meowed because he wanted to be fed. This was another trigger for me. I said, “All you want from me is food!” What about spending time and loving me like he used to? I spend all this time, energy, and money to keep Luna healthy and he doesn’t appreciate me.
“Meow.” He says. It escalates. I figure if I can withhold food for a bit longer, perhaps I can bamboozle him to jump into bed and snuggle me. Of course he’s using me to get the food, but the few minutes of warmth and soft purrs would be worth it. He doesn’t fall for my starve- out-snuggle-trap. I’m starting to feel desperate.
I pick him up and I wrap my arms around him and plead with him, “Why don’t you love me anymore?” “What did I do so wrong that made you not love me?” He let me hold him but kept looking away to a faraway place as if to numb himself from this hysterical moment that he was involved in.
His disenchantment made me let him go and he ran off to the food bowl again to remind me of the fact he still wants me to feed him. “Perhaps, I should open the door and let him run outside to the world that he wants to be in without me,” I think to myself.
This thought of completely shutting down snapped me back into reality. What kind of person would do or think that? I rally from the tears and the crazy thoughts and I decide I have committed to take care of him and love him, so I will do that.
I get his can of organic cat food and refill his crystal eliquor water as I do everyday. He skirts past my legs to the fresh food and relishes in his morning breakfast. Why can’t I be in that place of joy? Why do I feel so triggered by my fucking cat?
I settled down and went to my favorite coffee shop to start trying to write about my morning cat meltdown. On the way there my friend Alex calls me. I start telling him about the cat situation and in the calm I am immediately seeing the connection between my cat and relationships of all kinds.
In the beginning of relationships we normally give without restraint and without expectation. We would spend all our time with this person if we didn’t have to work. Riding the love-highs we are bound by nothing.. We give unconditionally until one day something shifts if we let it.
Although we still give love as we start to feel a little bit more comfortable in a relationship, we begin to keep track of how much money we have spent on that food, or how many times they haven’t washed the dishes.
Then, all of sudden you start to resent that person because they never pay and you are so sick of washing the freaking dishes! In the beginning you would have never dreamed of getting frustrated with the minutia.
On the phone with Alex I tell him that Luna used to consistently love me every morning and night. He would come up on my bed and we would snuggle for hours. Alex’s question back to me was, “have you been consistent with your love to him?” I knew immediately that my answer was no.
I try to run through the things I have been doing that have impeded my consistency. It was Austin City Limits and I had people in town. A friend needed to stay over because she was moving. I had been working, dating on my own schedule. It became so clear to me why this was such an important lesson for me and increased my joy in being a cat owner and a human in relationships.
Relationships ebb and flow and sometimes we are attracted to each other and sometimes we aren’t. Sometimes we are able to truly give with an open heart and other times we want to possess, control, or own someone in order to feel validated in that relationship.
The major theme of what I learned is that no matter if you are a cat or a human, we all go through phases of our life. Wherever we are in our life is perfect and we need our partners, friends, and animals to remind us to not take it all personally.
We also need to constantly be in the practice of giving without expectation just like the beginning of a fresh relationship! To give and receive love is what truly makes us all feel free and special. So love with an open heart! You are all good!
"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody."
Forgiveness. It can be so easy to say and, yet so challenging to practice everyday. We have thoughts like, 'this person broke up with me', 'that guy sucks', or 'why can't I be better at my job.' These are the thoughts that require our forgiveness.
Though you may not be aware of it, the energy of those negative thoughts holds you down from moving forward in your life. The lack of forgiveness is like a ghost following you around into your next relationship, job, or just a general day-to-day stuff.
Why is forgiveness so important for us to do in order to move on and thrive? Because the act of forgiveness is moving out of a state of victimhood to a state of wholeness. When we are operating out of a state of victimhood we will continue to attract more situations that make us feel like a victim.
When we truly forgive we free up so much energy and love into our bodies, mind, and spirit.
When I first started doing forgiveness work through A Course in Miracles, I didn't think that I had anyone that I hadn't forgave, but when I dove in deeper I realized that I had a lot of little instances that I was still holding on to within my mind.
Again, why is forgiveness so important for us to move forward and thrive? People are going to fuck up, let you down, say the wrong thing, not do anything you want them to, be oblivious and no matter what you do, the past is the past, the future is unknown, but is shaped by the present.
You want less of all those aforementioned things in your life? Let go of being a victim of this person did that to me, be the bigger kid, forgive them and move forward with you life. Life is so precious don't waste one moment of it because of what has happened in the past.
Forgiveness is liberation. Liberate yourself from the chains of imprisonment of victimhood. The only person that can take away your power is you. As the course in miracles says, you are the light of the world.
Photo credit: alicerabbit.com
“Be not ashamed, women—your privilege encloses the rest, and is the exit of the rest; You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul.” Walt Whitman
The world has not always been so kind to women; especially strong women. Not so long ago, strong women who were connected to themselves, earth, and ritual were labeled as evil witches and sent to burn. This “burn the witch”seems archaic, but the mentality remains today.
Criticism of women in the media or everyday life rarely has to do with an intellectual observation of her character, or accomplishments, but rather criticisms of the physical aspects of women.
A woman could literally just have won a gold medal in the Olympics or saved a million kids and the response is, “look at what she is wearing,” “she needs to do her hair color,” “she looks old and tired,” and finally, “look at those boobs!” The list goes on.
This isn’t just the way that men speak, women we contribute to this dialogue as well. For example, if a women is dating your ex-boyfriend, got the job you wanted, or looking very beautiful a lot of the time we might talk shit and judge her. We might call her a slut, ugly or a bad dresser. We say these things to women because we feel threatened and fearful that we aren’t enough without some sort of validation.
Instead of recognizing, “I feel triggered by this situation so there is something for me to learn,” we go Real Housewives and aim for the low blows. As women participating in this attitude we perpetuate the standard that a woman’s greatness is dependent on her outer beauty and if she can keep her make-up done perfectly and keep her mouth shut.
Sexuality is another area where we get judged by women and men. If we hold back our sexuality we are prude, if we exude it, we are a slut. If you are doing pretty much anything with confidence in your sexuality, it gets judge and whatever it is you are doing diminished.
But honestly, why do people care so much about not caring about women? How do we move forward to a different consciousness? We hold space for strong women by stopping our participation in these dialogues that only acknowledge us for our sexuality and the way we look.
Despite what the media wants to brainwash you to believe, our worth isn't determined by the bags we
carry, how few wrinkles we have, who we partner with, or how much money we have in the bank.
Our worth is determined by the love we have for ourselves, the love we have for others, and the love we have for the world at large. The longer we continue to silently hate ourselves the more we allow our deranged and false perceptions to rule over our minds and actions and the strength of women.
So, how do we hold space for a woman’s greatness? We start to allow ourselves and others to experience joy for our accomplishments and not just the way we look or what we are wearing.
We celebrate not only our success, but those of other women. We need to stop hating a women for being strong, successful, and joyful Instead we say, yes Goddess Queen, yes sister, create your kingdom. I support you. I stand with you. The universe knows no lack. It is an illusion we are all participating in when we think “she has that, now I can’t have that.” Let’s stop objectifying, demeaning, shaming, guilting, and blaming women.
A strong and powerful woman can make the earth shake. She is nurturing, kind, loving, accepting, forgiving, fun, playful, and grounded. She does not need to manipulate, use, play coy, or play dumb to get what she wants. She goes and creates it herself in the same way we can create life inside of us.
The power that she exudes is not determined by anything from the outside, this power starts from within. The goddess has a love for herself and knows her value. It is simple. I exist, therefore, I am special. I am worthy.
Let’s start acknowledging that when we feel jealous, it is because we feel less than, and when we feel less then, come back to love for yourself. Coming back to love for yourself takes awareness, practice, and commitment.
We have been brainwashed as a culture to believe that when a woman is great it takes away from our own chance of greatness. It does not. When a woman is in her greatness it can and will change the world and when we starting working together anything is possible.
I don’t need anyone’s validation to speak my truth and neither do you. Truth comes from a place of love and not from bullying someone into thinking the way you think. That is manipulation. Start by loving who you are and allow that love to radiate out into the world.
List 5 things that are fantastic about you or a woman that is in your life.
It was a late night a few weeks ago and I was flipping through Netflix to find something interesting to watch. I came across Chelsea Handler Does … The Silicon Valley. If you haven’t watched it, do, because it is really well done.
I know that more technology is inevitable, but how is that changing the way we look at ourselves and each other? In the Chelsea Does Series, Khloe Kardashian was one of the people invited over to Chelsea’s house to talk about technology.
Kardashian and Leah Remini started talking about an app called “FaceTune” and called it “life changing”. Chelsea protests and says she doesn’t agree with erasing your face, and Khole’s response was, “It’s not real. You are presenting to the world what you want them to believe.” I had to check it out.
I paid the $3.95 to download the app that was being raved about from one of the most followed people on Instagram with 25 million followers. In a moment, I understood why they had referred to the app as life changing, because I changed my entire face with this app.
With this app you can swipe and erase wrinkles, teeth stain, blemishes, dark circles, track marks, whatever you got they have something that can erase your “imperfection”. In addition to changing all things aforementioned, I also made my eyes bigger, face more narrow, cheekbones higher, and shrunk my forehead.
To write this blog, I put it to the test and posted it on facebook to see what the response would be. And it blew me away! I got way more comments below on how beautiful I looked and likes then I normally do when I post a selfie. I’m not trying to say that I think I’m hideous because I’m not, but when I started to look at the original picture and think, “Oh shit, do I need to start handling some aging shit?”
That’s when the meat and potatoes of the ripple effect of how apps of photoshopping create an unrealistic expectation of beauty and aging. I can’t shrink my head, I have brains in it. I don’t want to erase my wrinkles because don’t want to forget the life that created them. I love drinking coffee and it stains my teeth, but life is supposed to be lived and enjoyed like a cup of joe in the morning after a night of great sex.
What happens when we start to erase and change everything is that we are not loving what is, right now, as you are, which is perfect and beautiful. We all know photoshopping goes on literally all the time, but yet, we still feel the pressure to be perfect.
If we are constantly nit picking, editing, deleting, reshaping, contouring, fixing, then we are always saying I’m not good enough the way I am. And who holds women to this standard of perfection of blow outs, nails, wrinkle free perfection? Women.
We are constantly comparing ourselves to a fake and unreal standard and then holding other women to the same standard! She’s fat, she’s old, she’s ugly, her hair sucks, this bashing attitude is always geared toward how the woman looks. This is attitude that we are participating in and how is that affecting women as a whole, and especially young women.
We do not need make-up all the time to be beautiful. You don’t need to glam out your hair to be beautiful. You don’t need to be half way naked to be beautiful. All you have to do to be beautiful is be YOU. You know what attracts most men or partners? Confidence.
It’s not your boobs, eyes, killer eye liner, it’s your confidence. You can be the hottest person in the world and if you aren’t confident, smart, funny, people will get bored of you. Also, if we are basing our self-worth off of solely our looks, then what does the future hold for you?
I am making an oath to not contribute to this photoshopped false reality of beauty. Won’t you do the same and start changing the dialogue that women are not just pretty things to look at, but that we are capable, smart, funny, determined, lighthearted, and all these other multi-dimensional aspects that we have as woman. That we don’t have to erase our face to be beautiful. We can just be ourselves.
Loving your beautiful soul wherever you are on your path.
It's Valentine's Day on Sunday and although I know it's a Hallmark holiday, it is always beautiful to celebrate love. Try to celebrate love everyday! These 3 hot tips will definitely help you celebrate love in many different ways. The deeper the connection you create with your partner the more open you can be, hence having a more mind blowing experience.
1.) Make Your Love Making A Ritual
The subconscious loves ritual. We see it everywhere in our day to day lives. It’s only getting out of one side of the bed or not washing your lucky socks. Ritual is so powerful and can create deep energetic habits within us. Sometimes we have created a ritual of something that isn’t serving us, or something we aren’t enjoying.
For example, maybe when you have sex with your partner you start kissing and then 3 minutes later you are having sex. If this is you let me tell you, you are missing out. You need to make a ritual of taking your time and moving the focus off of just being about the sex and enjoy the process.
As a culture we deem everything else other than sex as something that doesn’t count or foreplay. In order to have the connection and mind blowing sex you want you need to take your time and let the energy rise.
Women especially need this in order to fully let go and have a memorable experience. If its quick and dirty women are left laying there thinking, “What the f*$@ just happened?”
Start the ritual of seduction back into your life. Create a jar of lists of turn ons and have one for you and one for him. The act of thinking of about what turns you on starts to turn you on! Pick one from lady jar once a week or whatever you choose then it’s your partners turn to incorporate that into your week, all week. Make it fun, make it a ritual!
2.) Learn New Tricks
In most things in life if we do the same thing all the time we get bored. Look at yourself as a sexual being. Ask yourself what do I need to feel more sexy, confident, present? Turn off the t.v., put down your phone, and spend some time with you! If you don’t spend time loving yourself, learning new tricks, what makes you think your partner will.
Look at yourself in the mirror in different positions you want to try or practice dirty talking. One of my favorites is, “You are such a good lover,” so I take time to learn new things so I can hear that more.
You didn’t wake up with a college degree, know how to do your job, drive a car, ski down a mountain without learning and seeking knowledge. Just because you have all the equipment doesn’t make you a pro. Sex is the same. If you are reading this article you are on the right track, stay with it! Trying new things is a way to raise the energy between you and your partner.
3.) Look At Each Other & Go Slow
Let go of the porno style of having sex. Did you realize that porn stars win awards for their role playing? That means they are faking it. So stop doing rabbit moves and avoiding eye contact. If you do want to go fast, at then know where the G spot is so your thrusting has a purpose.
You will never get the connection or dissolve if you just pound away. Again, it might feel good, you may have an orgasm, but trust me on this one, nothing beats breathing, eye gazing, moving slower with your partner, and then going a bit faster.
Keeping eye contact is so pivotal in achieving connection with our partners or really anyone. Think of when you are meeting someone new and their eye are darting all around everything else but you. How do you feel? Do you feel seen? Or special?
If you don’t feel seen or special just talking to someone with your clothes on if they aren’t looking at you why think that sex is different. We have just become numb to the idea of true connection inundated by a world or porn and Hollywood films of false connection or pleasure. Being present is one of the hardest and sexist things to do when you are with someone. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself.
So go out there create a ritual of loving with new tricks and look at each other! Have fun and learn to trust and lean into your partner, after all you are having sex with them, you should trust them. Light and love.
Sometimes when I am alone, I think I’ll be this way forever. Then I think about it more and I realize I am never alone. I feel connected to everything in such a profound way, sometimes I take it for granted. Luckily, I have people in my life that are able to reflect the magnificence of how I perceive the world. No one is an island.
I remember wanting to be an island in disguise. Social in nature, but hiding my true self away for safekeeping from the big, bad, ugly world. I was not ready to take the mask off to reveal this deeper side of myself. I have this deep spiritual connection I feel in every moment I exist. I see magic in every moment. I do. I truly do. And I wanted so desperately to hide that sensitivity that I viewed as weakness.
I started to see this pattern of shutting down to protect myself. I cut myself off from things to prevent it from becoming potentially painful due to disappointment, betrayal, dishonor, and all the other things that we fear others will do to our fragile hearts.
I felt that it was enough to know that I am a sovereign individual underneath the mask. I could keep the special parts of me safe if I could just play all the games to fit in. For who could ever really see me, handle me, or enjoy the intensity of just being around me?
Now with some elevated awareness I am to see that I am already am seen, and I don’t need someone to handle me, and I love my intensity. The mask was my own fear. When I pulled it off even further and saw that it was my own lack of self worth.
I feel that sometimes saying I had lack of self worth doesn’t even truly describe what that feels like on the inside of your soul. You feel conflicted, unsure, unworthy, stupid, and you constantly try to fit in and do things that you think will make others happy or like you more. You constantly keep giving yourself away to ideas or activities that you know you do not want to do, yet feel unable to stop from doing them.
It is the moteum of choosing drama and distraction in your life to give yourself something to talk about to ignore how truly fucking bored and unhappy you really are. You pick up habits that reaffirm all of those horrible things you think about yourself. You think about how horrible you are and you self actualized evidence for that fact regularly.
You cling to the material world for a sense of self and worthiness. Even when you get some material gains, it still feels like you come up short. This is because true happiness without the mask on is an inside job. No one can buy it for you, fuck you into feeling it, fly you all around the world, or put a ring on it. It has to be created from the inside of your soul.
When we wear the mask over our true soul’s desire we crush our soul and our happiness. We miss out on the greatest gift, life. Being physical. The opportunity to feel, touch, cry, laugh, smile, kiss, to be ourselves. And holding back from who you truly are is the ultimate betrayal … to yourself.
So don’t hold back from love, experience, something new, the unknown, just because you scared you’ll get your heart broken. Smash your heart free of the prison of holding any part of who you are back. That’s what I just did and feels like the freedom I had always been searching for. Your turn.
In the spiritual practice of life, people we encounter are always mirrors for us. Years ago, my father’s girlfriend even told me, “The greatest piece of wisdom I can give you is, everyone you meet is for a reason.” That has stuck through me through the years as not only a philosophy, but as a practice. The reason is that we can better understand ourselves through the reflection of another.
When I first read Viktor E. Frankl’s, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” and heard this reflection concept, it pissed me off to no end that I need others to know myself. This particular quote is what struck my heart and scrambled my brain the most:
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
What we judge in others can often be what we judge in ourselves, or growth that we have evolved from, or things that are unknown and scary to us. In our personal relationships, especially with love, I feel is the ultimate place of growth for oneself. When faced with a partner you are forced to look at “your dark shit”.
Whether you shut down, freak out, get jealous, or act out. All of these examples are just separating yourself from love. Recently, I just traveled to Panama with a lover of mine, where he lives. The the amazing scenery what was breathtaking, but what was the most beautiful experience was the lessons I learned on the inside through gazing at the mirror reflecting who is the fairest of them all. Yourself.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” wrote Eleanor Roosevelt in her autobiography. In our world of total connection and access into people’s lives it can be so easy to compare yourself to others that leaves you feeling less than. So when faced with situations that are making you feel stupid, jealous, worried, nervous, whatever the situation, you are the one that is choosing that as your experience.
Realizing this concept is especially powerful to acknowledge in your relationships. Let me clarify this concept, as it can be a bit tricky sometimes. Say your partner is mean or judging you, and you think this is acceptable because somewhere in life you must be judging people and being mean to them. No, that is not it. The underlying lesson, or mirror would be what part of you believes that you deserve to be treated meanly? This is how we start to uncover parts of ourselves that otherwise remain unchallenged.
Just like Frankl was saying, part of the mirror is helping us break out of whatever fear or victimhood we have been living in and rise up to the full love we have for ourselves. That is the power of reflection. When you are one on one with each, hide as you might, it all starts to come out in the laundry. Especially when you take a trip with someone to a country where you can’t hid behind all the gizmos and gadgets that occupy our modern lives.
So ask yourselves these questions:
Where have I been giving up my own power?
Who have I let make me feel less than special?
What situations really take me out of my center?
The more you start to understand your ticks and triggers the better we can navigate them with ourselves and others. For me, when I’m being a hardass or bitchy, I am usually feel the most vulnerable about a situation. That is my armor, my protection for being seen for being sensitive to the situation. The funny thing is about armor is that it blocks you from feeling totally free in yourself, and in the moment.
Then the moment is over and you acted like a hard ass and your heart hurts more because you didn’t set it free. Setting your heart free is what I feel we are here to do on Earth. I feel that is ultimate mastery to constantly be bringing awareness to in every moment.
So, mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all? It’s you. It’s all of you. The light, the dark, the experiences, the way you were raised, all of it. The more we start to acknowledge and move forward the more freedom we have in our lives on a real level not just chasing down drinks, drugs, and sex to fill a void within us.
This is what I learned from my mirror. To love yourself and others in a way that makes them feel free by acknowledging what is coming up from the experience you are in, rather than hiding or turning into little old poor me. So, my advice is look at the entire world as a lesson, you the observer, and the universe the conductor of it all. All the everything on the ride called life with light and love.
Photo Credit: Andrew Masi of www.masifoto.com
Healer. Coach. Yogini. Lover. Writer. Risk Taker. Truth Seeker.