It is amazing what can happen in just one short year. When I normally think of a year its no big deal time moves by quickly. It’s when I reach a bench mark of time that you realize just how much actually did happen in just a short year of life. To me, its not the easy times that compel me to grow, but rather the difficult, heart wrenching, confusion that is the most transformative if you let it. Because really when do we do anything life changing when we are comfortable.
Recently, I just got accepted and started going to school for sex coaching. It is not the kind of coaching where I am standing in the room yelling, “Go, go, go” but rather someone who has a bunch of different proactive solutions or tools to give to an individual or partners. Just because we have the parts does not mean we automatically know how to use them in all the amazingly incredible ways that are available to us. This is also not the first time that I have ventured to learn this kind of work and almost never ventured to do it again. This blog is about choice of circumstances, let it break you or build you
Last year I enrolled into a program on the Big Island of Hawaii to learn about conscious sexuality. I had been working with this man, let’s call him Bill, via Skype to help me heal some of the sadness that I was feeling from my current "relationship". I use relationship loosely because we were only sleeping together, and it ended up resulting in a plan b that didn’t work right away. About month later I woke up in the middle of the night covered in blood. After going to the doctor I found out that it was an early miscarriage. So there was some guilt, sadness, confusion, rejection, judgement, shame the list goes on and on. This person I was seeing would barley acknowledge me in public and then we had this whole other world behind closed doors. It was tearing me apart.
I also was in funk with work. I had been at lululemon for 4 years and needed a change. Everything I had originally loved about it slowly got taken away as it came more corporate. I wanted to focus on my healing career and do something to give back to people. All these things combined, I put everything on the line and set off for Hawaii for a two month training that would absolutely change my life, and did it ever.
I got on a plane to leave it all behind, to start something new for myself. I thought I would learn more tools to help empower others and bring joy, bliss, and connection into their lives. I felt that I was strong enough to do this intense training so I could bring it back for other ladies that wouldn’t want to do it. I also decided I would be totally sober and eating raw for the entirety of this trip. I had the highest hope for myself, the training, and my career.
When I arrived in Hilo, Hawaii I got picked up by a cheerful lady from New Zealand and I fell in love with her instantly. The drive to where I was staying in Puna, HI it was absolutely breath taking. Its so raw there. Black lava, massive lush trees, mountains, little to no development, its beautiful. I was full of excitement, wonder, nervousness, trust, and happiness. Then we arrived at the house we are doing the training in and everything dropped inside of me. This was a bad idea. I knew instantly.
When have you had an intense time in your life where you feel you just want to run away and start all over again? Do you feel like your problems won’t follow you if you move somewhere or travel to some other place? Believe me, you can run all you want but there is only one person you are truly running from: yourself. No matter how hard you try to ignore it what plagues you on the inside, it will always be there getting bigger and bigger until you meet yourself. Stay tuned for the rest of the story as the plot thickens.