Let it Break You or Rebuild You: Part 3

This is the third and final installment on this series of the blog.  It has been very challenging for me to write this final piece because in all honesty, shit got crazy.  I felt that it was a sign from the universe to write this now because as my fingers graze across the keys there is lava is heading straight towards where this whole story takes place.  It is like nature is transforming that whole place for me.  Clearly, my satisfaction is bittersweet thinking of the people that live there and I’m sending them light and love.  Without further hesitation here is the last part of the story.  

Getting in the car and leaving for Kona was a gift.  Driving on the big island is crazy because you go through so many different environments.  It’s absolutely beautiful.  I was talking to my fellow driving mate about the program and Bill and even she, who had known him Bill for years was disappointed in the program.  I was totally broke at this point, but I didn’t care.  I had $17.00 in my bank account but I went on the trip to Kona anyways.  Not having money was a factor for me to think about if I did leave the program. How could stay in Hawaii?  I had already started to look for yoga jobs, but there were none.  Puna is not a hot bed of economic activity.    

My mind raced like the passing landscape about what to do.  My friend,  let’s call her Lily, had to see a client when we got to Kona.  I didn’t know what that meant at first and then I realized that she was talking about prostitution.  She never confirmed this for me, so possibly I’m wrong, but there was something so sad in her like she didn’t want to go. She asked me if I wanted to join her and make some money, but I said no.   I spent $4 on a latte and watched the sunset.  I hadn’t seen a sunset in a month being on the other side of the island and it was so breath taking.  I had never felt so grateful to be drinking my latte and not having to sell myself.  There is not a lot of opportunity on the island to make money especially if you live in Puna and especially if you have a child and a drunk mother to take care of.  My heart empathized with her situation.  Haven’t we all sold ourselves at some point on some level?  

When she finished, we stayed at her friends house and have a lovely rest of the time in Kona.  As we start to drive back on Sunday evening to Puna, the knots in my stomach started up again and I knew trouble is ahead.  When I got back to the house I sat in silence in the middle of the floor just looking around trying to speculate what tomorrow will bring.  

Morning came and I went down to the black sand beach to swim and hopefully see the dolphins.  The waves had been getting bigger and were at a point where it wasn’t safe to swim in the ocean.  I went back to the house and class was about to begin.  Bill opens up the class with, “how is everyone feeling today? Good? Let’s begin by getting naked and practicing sensual massage.”  Like a cartoon there was fire coming out from my ears and in my eyes.  How could he do this! After our heart to heart, how could he take it back to the place of just wanting to get naked.  I was crushed.  

At that point I just said I wasn’t doing anything and went to my computer.  I hadn’t been talking to the miscarriage guy at all and in my moment of distress he messaged me on Gchat.  I started typing feverishly to him about the state of this crazy place and what’s been happening.  I unleashed it all on him.  He told me that I need to leave to as soon as possible, and I agreed.  My family must have been able to feel my pain because then the texts and emails started coming through (I couldn’t receive phone calls due to lack of service at the house)  After weeks of silence I finally told my Mom what had been happening at the training.  Within seconds she was looking up flights back to the mainland.  

I felt like a failure, a fuck up, idiot, gullible, weak, broken, disappointed and worthless person.  I had put everything on the line for this program and it didn’t work out so now I was going to have to leave the island and figure out what to do for the remaining month without my apartment that leased.  I started packing up my stuff to stay with a woman that had left the program but was still on the island.  I had a final conversation with Bill as I was packing.  He tried to convince me that I was giving up, that I was bailing out on all the others, that I wasn’t good enough.  Ironically, these were all the stories I normally told myself, but in that moment of him trying to beat me down I stood up for myself.  And I told him, "Bill for the first time I am being good enough to know when to leave because that is in my best interest." So fuck off.  

I got picked up and suddenly was in a beautiful, luxurious home with other women that had left the program.  It all seemed surreal.  There were talks about how to get our money back, legal issues, pain and suffering. I told my mom I wanted some time to enjoy the island for a few days before leaving to see the parts of Hawaii that are so magical.  My last morning I wanted to take beautiful nude photos on the black sand beach that I had always wanted since seeing the Chris Issac music video for “Wicked Game”.  One of the sweet Kiwi ladies took them for me and I felt a peace within me being exposed on the black sand beach against my white skin.  It made me think of the balance between yin and yan.  Then I was off to go back to the mainland to figure out what was next.  

To wrap things up of what happened when I returned, the guy I told everything to stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to the man that loved me, lululemon didn’t hire me back, and I was completely fucked up in the head over the whole experience working odd jobs that I disliked immensely. My whole world was crashing down around me.  I had this moment on my deck where I just balled my eyes out and it became clear at this point that I can let this break me or rebuild me.  I chose to let it rebuild me and I’ve been moving forward ever since.  It is the reason why you reading this blog right now.  

That is thing about life, we always have a choice.  No matter how gnarly, horrible, painful, unfair shit is going on, there is always a choice.  You never know that you have wings until you trust yourself to fly.  So fly on little wing.  My wish for you is that no matter what has happened you choose love, forgiveness, and trust.  Light and love.  

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