Sometimes when I am alone, I think I’ll be this way forever. Then I think about it more and I realize I am never alone. I feel connected to everything in such a profound way, sometimes I take it for granted. Luckily, I have people in my life that are able to reflect the magnificence of how I perceive the world. No one is an island.
I remember wanting to be an island in disguise. Social in nature, but hiding my true self away for safekeeping from the big, bad, ugly world. I was not ready to take the mask off to reveal this deeper side of myself. I have this deep spiritual connection I feel in every moment I exist. I see magic in every moment. I do. I truly do. And I wanted so desperately to hide that sensitivity that I viewed as weakness.
I started to see this pattern of shutting down to protect myself. I cut myself off from things to prevent it from becoming potentially painful due to disappointment, betrayal, dishonor, and all the other things that we fear others will do to our fragile hearts.
I felt that it was enough to know that I am a sovereign individual underneath the mask. I could keep the special parts of me safe if I could just play all the games to fit in. For who could ever really see me, handle me, or enjoy the intensity of just being around me?
Now with some elevated awareness I am to see that I am already am seen, and I don’t need someone to handle me, and I love my intensity. The mask was my own fear. When I pulled it off even further and saw that it was my own lack of self worth.
I feel that sometimes saying I had lack of self worth doesn’t even truly describe what that feels like on the inside of your soul. You feel conflicted, unsure, unworthy, stupid, and you constantly try to fit in and do things that you think will make others happy or like you more. You constantly keep giving yourself away to ideas or activities that you know you do not want to do, yet feel unable to stop from doing them.
It is the moteum of choosing drama and distraction in your life to give yourself something to talk about to ignore how truly fucking bored and unhappy you really are. You pick up habits that reaffirm all of those horrible things you think about yourself. You think about how horrible you are and you self actualized evidence for that fact regularly.
You cling to the material world for a sense of self and worthiness. Even when you get some material gains, it still feels like you come up short. This is because true happiness without the mask on is an inside job. No one can buy it for you, fuck you into feeling it, fly you all around the world, or put a ring on it. It has to be created from the inside of your soul.
When we wear the mask over our true soul’s desire we crush our soul and our happiness. We miss out on the greatest gift, life. Being physical. The opportunity to feel, touch, cry, laugh, smile, kiss, to be ourselves. And holding back from who you truly are is the ultimate betrayal … to yourself.
So don’t hold back from love, experience, something new, the unknown, just because you scared you’ll get your heart broken. Smash your heart free of the prison of holding any part of who you are back. That’s what I just did and feels like the freedom I had always been searching for. Your turn.