Welcome back for the third and final installment of the one that got away. It took me awhile to follow up this final blog because I was still looking for the clarity behind the lesson before I could fully share it. There wasn’t any old ramblings from college to use. There was just my old journals and memories to put myself back into the mindset I was in when this was all unfolding. During this process I discovered some truths of my own that I have never fully admitted to anyone, including myself.
When James let me speak to him again after all that happened between us, I was so grateful. Even though we made up school was basically over for that year. I went back to Pittsburgh and he stayed in Ohio. This was a wonderful time for both of us. We were 19 years old. We both seemed to be getting clarity on what we wanted to do with our lives. I decided to move to Wisconsin with my parents and go to school there. I figured I would do better there, less partying. During our time together he told me that he wanted to pursue a different major than philosophy and film. His interest was more in the fashion realm and he was transferring to a school closer to Pittsburgh, but still in Ohio.
I’ll never know if he went to that school just because of the prestige or that in some way he wanted to be closer to me. I guess in my mind I should have stayed in Pittsburgh to remain close to him, but I had to get away from there. Some of my friends at that time were getting heavily into using prescription pills and I wanted nothing to do with that. We saw each a few times that Summer and headed into our different directions.
Over the years we kept a back and forth relationship going on. Even though we were dating other people and living in other places, we still needed to have a little of each other in our lives. We both started to change in major ways. I was becoming even more into looks, but at the same time my spirituality was starting blossom in my life. James had also started to get into the wonderful world of soul sucking drugs, otherwise known as, cocaine. Now, that we were both into coke when I would go and see him we would do it together.
One time, I decided to fly to NYC where he had moved to because of transferring schools and moving up quickly in his work. He was insanely busy, but still made time for me. I was so nervous to see him. He was becoming this huge deal, and I was still struggling in school that point. When I finally landed in Newark, I let him kiss for as long as he wanted. I had never let anyone do that before. I typically would pull away after a certain amount of time, but with him I never wanted him to stop. His pouty lips against mine felt like they belonged together. When we finally got back to his place, I remember the late afternoon light coming in through his Brooklyn, NY apartment. His white sheets and his illuminating, old soul, beautiful blue-green eyes staring into mine. Our souls danced and then he told me he loved me. Just like that, I was all in for he and I moving through life together, creating life together, being together.
After that we went to get beers, smoke a joint, and meet some of his new friends. It was at that time that he was on a mission to find coke. He wouldn’t let it rest. I just wanted to hang out with him and never leave bed for the rest of the time of my stay with him. The city would always be there, but something inside me knew that he wouldn’t be. When I started to pack to leave the city I just starting crying. I didn’t want to leave him. I felt that every time I left it brought us further away from each other. I felt him turning away from his true center and turning into this falsified version of himself that was more harsh and less caring.
I went back to Madison, Wisconsin with a new purpose of graduating college. I was going to move to New York City. My plan was to do fashion marking, be a total city chick, and have James as my love for always. “If you want to make God laugh, make a plan,” someone once told me and, wow did the universe ever laugh at my plan.
Before I fully graduated I went back up to NYC to visit my friend Tori, job search, and hopefully see James. I had no idea that this would be my last time seeing him. The three of us hung at his places doing drugs and drinking. At some point, Tori left to meet up with other friends to let James and I have some time together. The energy between us was different. He was different. I was different. We had some horrible, coked up sex, and I remembered in that moment missing that time we were in Brooklyn. A time when we could just connect and be vulnerable together and share our weirdness together. He always just felt like home to me, and I felt I was loosing my home.
I stayed the night and we slept till late into the next day. We went on a shopping walk through soho and shared a pizza. I had to leave to take the train back to Tracy’s house to get my plane flight home. I told him I would be here soon, just give me a few months, and I’ll be here. The phone rang and it was his boss. I had to leave without a proper goodbye. I remember trying to be tough. Trying to not show any emotion or that it bothered he took the call. I played it off like it didn’t affect me and walked out of the door. I felt him standing at his doorway watching me walk away and I never looked back. That was the time I have seen him, it was seven years ago.
I moved to the city a few months later. I got a job working at a small PR firm that dealt with representing labels. I had finally moved to the city! I called, texted, emailed, and used any other form of communication that was available to me to be able to see him. He tried a few times and every time he would blow me off. l think at some point he told me had met someone. Around that time, I had lost my job, the market had crashed, no one has hiring, I missed nature, was partying a lot, sleeping with men that didn’t respect me, in a nutshell I was hating my life in NYC. So I left.
Now, looking back at that time in my life what I wasn’t able to admit to myself was, I never really wanted to move to NYC. I moved there for one reason and one reason only, I just wanted to be with James. That is why this lesson is strong because you cannot live your life for someone else. You cannot expect that if someone loves you that you will love yourself. You must be the one that loves who YOU are. The one who lives the life that YOU choose. You must live your life for YOU and if that person is still there then you know its aligned for you. I moved to Texas, and he got married and still is. I still will always love the one that got away because everything happens for a reason, and truly there is never one that got away. Because there is that saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then you'll know it never was yours.”