Before I did yoga and energy work with myself I was lost. Completely and utterly lost. This is an old journal entry from college before I truly found myself, which continues to unfold more and more everyday. There are glimmers of the bright soul underneath and with a little work, the light within me has come to the surface. The thing to remember is change is possible if we allow it in as a possibility, to integrate and unfold into our lives. 10/9/04 at 1:03 am Madison, WI I can’t find my glasses the room has this blurry feel to it and I’m wondering if that is how I feel in my life. I saw the movie “Alfie” tonight and it was pretty good. Jude Law is gorgeous. But, it made me wonder, can people really change that quickly? In just a few short months or years? What do you have to do to change into the person that you want to be. Since I have taken time off school to work as a waitress I feel that I have changed. I am really ready for learning and understanding what it is that I want. Including how I want to be treated and treat people, to be a better girlfriend, sister, daughter, cousin, friend. I’m sick of bullshitting people and talking shit behind peoples back, but there is sometimes nothing I can do to stop it. I feel I play this role sometimes to just fly below the radar. Like at work, everyone thinks I’m the hot, blonde idiot, and in a way I play that role. Underneath it all, I know I’m not and that underneath it all is a beautiful, kind-hearted, fun girl that has interesting things to say, yet I don’t say them. I have this crazy party girl reputation and part of me loves it, but more of me hates it. It takes so much for me to go out and put on the mask of people pleasing, but I do it because what else I am supposed to do. I’m not saying that I want to stop it all and become some loser, I just want to be the girl that has her shit straightened out, whatever that looks like. I drift in and out of life chasing down love and relationships to try to fill this void of emptiness I feel on the inside. I can’t think about this anymore… my head rushes with confusion and feeling stuck inside this role I’ve created for myself. I’m going to bed. G’night my sweet journal and true friend. When I started to rewrite this journal entry a lot came up for me. I instantly remembered how I felt in that moment laying in my bed writing that entry. All of the confusion in my mind, the doubt in my self, the web of craziness I had created for myself in my life, and how to even get out of it. It made me feel like I had no outlet to be myself except in my journal. I also still very firmly believed at that point in time that I was dumb and had nothing to offer other than my looks, which is funny because I didn't feel beautiful either. I felt a tugging at every part of my being and the only thing I could do was run from myself and ignore what I felt within and choose to focus on the material world. What role have you created for yourself that you feel you can’t escape? What are you gaining in that role as long as you continue to play it? Why do you feel it's unsafe to truly be yourself? Do you equate going out and partying as a way to define yourself as cool, if so, why is that true for you? These are some of the questions I ask myself as I read through my old journal entry. Perhaps, you can ask yourself some of these questions as you examine your own life and the roles that you play. Enjoy the process. We are not our past, nor our future, only the present.
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Turns out that the quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.” has some truth in it. When I realized I had lost it the necklace in the middle of teaching my yoga class. I felt this paranoia come over me, but I had to remain calm since I was teaching. When I was done I went back to the place where I thought I had lost it, in the water spill off of Barton Springs where a ton of dogs play. I felt this was the impossible dream of finding the necklace but I had to try. While I was searching I spoke with the woman sitting on the rock where I had been hours earlier. I ask her, “Have you found a silver necklace by chance?” She replied, “No, I haven’t, but when these things happen pray and you’ll get it back.” I thought to myself, “Yes, of course some stranger will find my necklace that has absolutely no contact info tied to me and I’ll get it back, I’m feeling a no on this one.” I knew I had to change my mind set, so I took her advice found my center and prayed. I had already written my blog and made peace with loosing my necklace from my Mom when I got a text of surprise. Elis, had my necklace! She messaged me days after the shoot. I was absolutely elated! I had been speaking with my sister, Kate, and she said she had also lost an earring that she loved from Bali on the streets of San Franisco. She, like me, went back to find the earring without any luck. We talked about non-attachment and the process of letting go and finding your prayers and trusting in the universe. A part of me felt guilty I had found my necklace and she hadn’t found her earring. Like magic, today she called me as I sat down to write this to let me know that 2 days later in the busy streets of San Fran she had found her earring. Now THAT is cosmic! We are creating our realties based on our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When something intense comes up, ask yourself, how can I be more centered in this situation? What is the message or lesson for me? Take a few breaths and let it go because if it comes back, that’s when you know. Light and love. The other day, I had the pleasure of booking a photo shoot with my very talented friend, Elis Avellan. (www.alicerabbit.com) The shoot was for gathering materials to use for my offerings, but also for looking into my soul. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, so being in front of another lens must make it a mirror. I use mirror not in the "mirror mirror on the wall" way, but a mirror for observing how we judge ourselves, essentially when we judge others. Standing in front of a camera is a very quick way to meet yourself and all the things you are terrified of revealing. For me, what comes up is the fear of coming across too sexy or that it will be perceived as me trying too hard. When I look at that as a mirror for myself, I realize that it is how I judge myself. Finding moments when I am fearful of fully being who I am, sexy and all. Like in life, I had great cheerleaders today encouraging me to relax and be myself. After a few of the “pats on the back” I was finally able to let go and allow all of myself to come through. When going back through the photos, what I found was very interesting. I’m not just sexy. I am beautiful, cute, joyful, innocent, playful, clumsy, adventurous, and free. We are never just one thing, even though we like to think that we are. The thoughts go something like this for me, “If I’m sexy, then I’m not innocent, if i’m not innocent then no man will ever love me, and I don’t want to be alone". The more I observe my actions, thoughts, and feelings I realize that I have my own demons from a culture that does not fully embrace empowered women. You can only be the Madonna or the whore. From being fully exposed at the shoot, I learned the lesson of non-attachment to the linear thinking that goes on in my head. Because in a world filled with infinite possibilities, X plus Y does not always equal Z. In addition to this freedom from exposing my soul in front of a camera to show to other people, I lost my most favorite necklace. A necklace my mom gave me when I turned 21. I have worn it for nine years solid and today, it slipped off my neck without me knowing. I went back to the place where we did our shoot trying to find this necklace. I felt that it almost defined me because I wore it so much. Then it came to me...sometimes to learn the hardest, most expansive lesson, we have to lose the things that we cling and attach ourselves to. Two things I let go of...fear of fully being myself and letting material items define what love is. My mom loves me whether I have that necklace or not. I love me whether I’m half naked in a public swimming hole or not. These things do not define us. They help shape us. This is how I fully exposed myself to the rawness in front of the lens and in the introspection of myself. My name is Elizabeth Davis and I am a goddess. Even as I write that a part of me kind of shrinks up and thinks, no, I can’t possibly be that, but, in my heart of hearts I know its the true. Webster defines goddess as a woman god, a woman who’s beauty and charm causes adoration. It never says that adoration has to be only from others, I feel it comes from within myself. That is why I am choosing to write this blog to let other goddess know that you can own this goddess essence as well, its your birth right. First and foremost about me, if you love grammar and correct usage of commas this might not the blog for you, but I encourage you to keep reading on anyways. Where I am writing from is from a place of pure channel and my truth and sometimes you just need to let it out and worry about the formalities later just as in life. To channel literally means to tap into something beyond yourself be it the universe, nature or whatever that connection is for you and speak or write from a place of love and trust your gut without worry of others judgements or criticism. I am committed to bringing my truth and light to such topics as energy work, sex, yoga, and just basically all that means to be a human living in this world now with changing climates, looming wars, food quality, water supply, all of it. I am going to be blunt, graphic, and ‘out there’, and this is who I am. I also have zero intention of preaching, but only speaking candidly from my experiences and research. What I will be writing about is my experience and what I find truth in and what I resonate with. As you read think and ask yourself why and how these ideas pertain to your life. There is a lesson in everything so take what resonates with you and drop the rest. Embrace and look at the areas or topics that challenging you and use it to further your own self inquiry, or not. To me, what being a goddess is, is loving all of who are and what has happened in your life without shame and walking into your complete power no matter who you might lose along the way. This is a diary of a loungy love goddess. |
Liz DavisHealer. Coach. Yogini. Lover. Writer. Risk Taker. Truth Seeker. CategoriesAll Alternative Healing Health Love Relationships Sex Spirituality Spirituality Travel Yoga |