Before I did yoga and energy work with myself I was lost. Completely and utterly lost. This is an old journal entry from college before I truly found myself, which continues to unfold more and more everyday. There are glimmers of the bright soul underneath and with a little work, the light within me has come to the surface. The thing to remember is change is possible if we allow it in as a possibility, to integrate and unfold into our lives.
10/9/04 at 1:03 am Madison, WI
I can’t find my glasses the room has this blurry feel to it and I’m wondering if that is how I feel in my life. I saw the movie “Alfie” tonight and it was pretty good. Jude Law is gorgeous. But, it made me wonder, can people really change that quickly? In just a few short months or years? What do you have to do to change into the person that you want to be. Since I have taken time off school to work as a waitress I feel that I have changed. I am really ready for learning and understanding what it is that I want. Including how I want to be treated and treat people, to be a better girlfriend, sister, daughter, cousin, friend. I’m sick of bullshitting people and talking shit behind peoples back, but there is sometimes nothing I can do to stop it.
I feel I play this role sometimes to just fly below the radar. Like at work, everyone thinks I’m the hot, blonde idiot, and in a way I play that role. Underneath it all, I know I’m not and that underneath it all is a beautiful, kind-hearted, fun girl that has interesting things to say, yet I don’t say them. I have this crazy party girl reputation and part of me loves it, but more of me hates it. It takes so much for me to go out and put on the mask of people pleasing, but I do it because what else I am supposed to do. I’m not saying that I want to stop it all and become some loser, I just want to be the girl that has her shit straightened out, whatever that looks like.
I drift in and out of life chasing down love and relationships to try to fill this void of emptiness I feel on the inside. I can’t think about this anymore… my head rushes with confusion and feeling stuck inside this role I’ve created for myself. I’m going to bed. G’night my sweet journal and true friend.
When I started to rewrite this journal entry a lot came up for me. I instantly remembered how I felt in that moment laying in my bed writing that entry. All of the confusion in my mind, the doubt in my self, the web of craziness I had created for myself in my life, and how to even get out of it. It made me feel like I had no outlet to be myself except in my journal. I also still very firmly believed at that point in time that I was dumb and had nothing to offer other than my looks, which is funny because I didn't feel beautiful either. I felt a tugging at every part of my being and the only thing I could do was run from myself and ignore what I felt within and choose to focus on the material world.
What role have you created for yourself that you feel you can’t escape? What are you gaining in that role as long as you continue to play it? Why do you feel it's unsafe to truly be yourself? Do you equate going out and partying as a way to define yourself as cool, if so, why is that true for you? These are some of the questions I ask myself as I read through my old journal entry. Perhaps, you can ask yourself some of these questions as you examine your own life and the roles that you play. Enjoy the process. We are not our past, nor our future, only the present.