Most of us have experienced that moment when you have done something and now there may be some guilt about it. I am no different. In my never ending journey into the self I have made some choices and then later have over analyzed and shamed myself. As I have gotten more clear about who I am as a person, I have realized that this shame and over analyzing is more a product of my environment. Most of us have seen this plot on T.V. if the guy sleeps with a girl, he's the man, if the girl does it, she's a slut or doesn't have any self respect.
So why the double standard in my head? I am not into following any double standards or apologizing for my sexuality, but sometimes, I do slip, but I catch myself. How one starts to catch the inner policing is bringing more self awareness into the situation and clearing energy around it. This is journal entry about loving your choices and silencing the inner police.
I’m hung over. I’m not hung over in the way you are probably thinking of due to drinking or drugs. I’m hung over from feeling conflicted in a choice I made. My head races. I am thinking horrible thoughts about myself. How could I be so stupid, careless, and slutty. I have just slept with a guy after our second date. Well, technically, it was the same day with me doing a yoga class in between our first and second hang out of the day. I know I’ll feel better after I write this out and make sense of all this.
It had been some time since I had been asked out by a guy I was really interested in. We will refer to him as, “The Boss”. He was a tall, strong, early 40’s man, that exuded confidence. I had met him at a random event and was immediately drawn to him. I wanted to talk to him and connect with him. Being the smart woman I am, I wanted him to come to me so I focused my energy on thought, “I am amazing! Come talk to me!” That is mentality you must have in order to energetically attract someone to you. Confidence is key. As I had wanted the Boss came over to me, we flirted and exchanged numbers and it was all in motion.
At this point in my life it had been awhile since I had gotten properly loved on due to a hard break up. For me, there is a difference between having sex and getting properly loved on, and the difference is huge. It is like eating fast food in comparison to the best meal of your life. I could feel The Boss was like that expensive dinner and I wanted to have it. I love my sexuality and I needed to flex it. I had left earlier that day convincing myself to play it cool, to not go back later, to make him want me more, but there is a major thing missing in that head dialogue, what I WANT. I wanted to be taken by this beast of a man. So I did.
It was everything I knew it would be and more. We didn’t sleep a wink. He worshipped me all night long. He was not a selfish lover. He took his time. He paid attention to how I would breathe, move, respond to his every action. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him back. We sweat, laughed, moaned, took breaks, and started again. I left early in the morning before his daughter woke up. I left exhausted, exhilarated, and happy. Then the hangover started to kick in a few hours later.
My mind raced with judgmental thoughts. How could I do that? His daughter was on the other side of the house! I barely know him. I am a slutty, shameful, girl. I felt horrible. I knew I spiraling out of control and had to stop myself. These thoughts weren’t how I really felt about myself. These were thoughts that society projects onto woman who own their sexuality. I had been safe with him. I had wanted that experience. I acted on that experience and had an amazing time.
Just like that, my hangover started to dissipate. I started to realize the only cure for a hangover is accept the choice that you made in that moment. We can’t change the past we can only accept it and move on. The moment I shifted my energy about myself my phone buzzed and it was a text from The Boss saying to me, “I had an amazing time last night. Let’s do it again soon you beautiful woman.” Even if he hadn’t texted me I was still more than okay with MY CHOICE. Love your choices. If it doesn’t feel good in the aftermath then next time make a different choice. Stop beating yourself up for things that are in the past.