,The “Ex Files” is how I like to refer to past relationships in my life. It somehow helps me put a comedic vibe around the situation and intense love I feel for the men I have dated in my life. Perhaps, like me, you have reopened a case a time or two, and the question remains, should the file stay closed or be opened?
Relationships are tricky, complex, and full love. Where does the love go when you break up with someone? Sometimes when you break up there is an easy, clear sign that the two of you were not meant to be together.
Then, other times there is more gray area around the breakup. Perhaps the gray area in your "ex file" was that you had great sex, you enjoy the same activities, or perhaps you just like to dislike each other. But, at some point sometimes we feel tempted to open an "ex file" back up.
I had always been a person that opens the files back up. As I’m gaining more awareness around my habits and choices that is shifting, and for the better. Someone once told me that, “You are ex’s for a reason,” and I felt bound and determined to change their minds on that statement. Somehow my loves were different and we could break up and make up.
What makes us go back to a relationship that has already ended and think that it will be different? I used to honestly believe that a person could pull a total 180 in a span of a week or even just a couple days apart. Now, I know better and I keep the files and the fantasy closed.
Love is an amazing drug and sometimes it can play tricks on us. Let’s be honest, the high of unpredictable and unstable relationship can be so much fun in a weird and twisted way. You at least can predict what will mostly likely happen in the relationship. And, for some reason, even though the relationship is unhealthy you rationalize, at least you are in one. That was my mentality for years.
Truth be told I would convince myself that in the short span of time away from this person they had turned into the saint. A saint I had always dreamed they could be. I can honestly say I have never seen a person shift their entire way of being in a week or a month or two. It takes time and commitment for a person to cultivate lasting change. Even when doing your self developmental growth, stuff will still come up and you will need to process and integrate it.
Why does it take time to shift? Because you need time to put your self awareness into practice. You need to be back in the fire of jealously, co-dependancy, sex, whatever the issue was that caused the two of you to break up to truly see if you have gained an awareness around it.
It is easy to think you have changed when you haven’t been confronted by those demons or challenges with this person again. Often, our "ex files" know exactly how to trigger our insecurities and can send us in a tailspin.
Sometimes, we just see the potential of a person and it keeps us coming back as well. We just think that if that person could just be this or that then we could be together. If I love them enough then they will change into version of themselves that is better, but, that isn’t love either.
You cannot love someone’s potential. You must love someone for they are in this moment. If you can’t get on board with that, don’t try to date them again. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the person either. Everyone deserves to be with a person that truly loves them as they are.
In summary, it takes courage and confidence to keep the ex files shut, but it is worth it in the long run. Perhaps, if they ever open again let there be years between and other relationships and life lessons.
If you truly love someone sometimes you need to fully let them go in order for both parties to move on. Sometimes you have to rush upon your own blade and break up with them if they are unwilling or wanting to it end it.
Write their name on a manilla folder and let it burn away. You’ll feel much better when you do. Wishing you all the love and support you need in your life!