Recently, I have been examining who I am as a sovereign individual. Without the influence of my upbringing, experiences, and culture. I was wondering if my time here in Austin had been complete. I feel it is a natural part of living anywhere the questioning of whether or not your time has expired there based on what you want in your life. Coming off of my trip to LA and spending time in a lot of different areas of the city I realized that my time here is not up on exploring myself in this city. My home, my heart, and my soul still have some work to do here yet. This entry is from 5 years ago after I took my Reiki Master training and had moved to Austin recently.
Last weekend, I finished my reiki master training. Part of the training was listing things we needed to forgive ourselves for, and speak our truth and move on. I couldn’t think of anything right away until my teacher told, “No one should ever belittle that which you are. Always know in your heart all is perfect and right in the universe.” This brought a lot of things up for me especially around honor. Honoring myself. Something that sounds so simple, and is, yet I struggle with it.
Everything about is beautiful, and not from a place of ego, but rather knowing. So when someone told me I was a bad person to the core, I knew something felt so wrong about that. Then I realized this person doesn’t have a clue of who I really and truly am. No one else is responsible for our happiness, it can only come from within myself. If someone can’t love me like I want to be treated and accepted, I can’t blame them, I can only own what is true for me.
I also crave this spirituality side of things. Complex yet simple conversations about awareness and consciousness. I feel that is another struggle of mine. Caught between two worlds of thinking. Between trying to maintain the illusion of perfection and keeping conversations light, while internally wanting to speak about the different dimensions of space and time. The only thing I know how to do is keep exploring the parts of my soul that want to be ignited, And I can’t apologize for it anymore.
This entry is powerful for me because this is still a journey I face everyday. The choice between fear and love. When have you felt a deep knowing with some aspect in your life but you put it on hold for a better time, or another day, another reason, just something else other than now? The harsh reality is that the truth is very rarely silky smooth and sometimes the things we have to say feels like razorblades in our throat, yet one must speak their truth. If you don’t speak your truth, what makes you think that anyone will else will?
Part of being self-aware is being able to have the tough moments in time where you can do nothing else but stand in the essence of who you are in that moment and let go of other’s expectations of you. What are some of those moments for you? Those moments were all you can do is breath and can't think of anything beyond the moment you are currently in? Leave a comment below, I'd love to hear your truth. Light and love.