In the spiritual practice of life, people we encounter are always mirrors for us.  Years ago, my father’s girlfriend even told me, “The greatest piece of wisdom I can give you is, everyone you meet is for a reason.” That has stuck through me through the years as not only a philosophy, but as a practice.  The reason is that we can better understand ourselves through the reflection of another.  

When I first read Viktor E. Frankl’s, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” and heard this reflection concept, it pissed me off to no end that I need others to know myself.  This particular quote is what struck my heart and scrambled my brain the most:

“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”


What we judge in others can often be what we judge in ourselves, or growth that we have evolved from, or things that are unknown and scary to us.  In our personal relationships, especially with love, I feel is the ultimate place of growth for oneself.  When faced with a partner you are forced to look at “your dark shit”.  

Whether you shut down, freak out, get jealous, or act out.  All of these examples are just separating yourself from love.  Recently, I just traveled to Panama with a lover of mine, where he lives. The the amazing scenery what was breathtaking, but what was the most beautiful experience was the lessons I learned on the inside through gazing at the mirror reflecting who is the fairest of them all.  Yourself.  

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” wrote Eleanor Roosevelt in her autobiography.  In our world of total connection and access into people’s lives it can be so easy to compare yourself to others that leaves you feeling less than.  So when faced with situations that are making you feel stupid, jealous, worried, nervous, whatever the situation, you are the one that is choosing that as your experience.  

Realizing this concept is especially powerful to acknowledge in your relationships.  Let me clarify this concept, as it can be a bit tricky sometimes.  Say your partner is mean or judging you, and you think this is acceptable because somewhere in life you must be judging people and being mean to them. No, that is not it. The underlying lesson, or mirror would be what part of you believes that you deserve to be treated meanly?  This is how we start to uncover parts of ourselves that otherwise remain unchallenged.  

Just like Frankl was saying, part of the mirror is helping us break out of whatever fear or victimhood we have been living in and rise up to the full love we have for ourselves.  That is the power of reflection.  When you are one on one with each, hide as you might, it all starts to come out in the laundry.  Especially when you take a trip with someone to a country where you can’t hid behind all the gizmos and gadgets that occupy our modern lives.  

So ask yourselves these questions:  

Where have I been giving up my own power?  
Who have I let make me feel less than special?  
What situations really take me out of my center?  

The more you start to understand your ticks and triggers the better we can navigate them with ourselves and others.  For me, when I’m being a hardass or bitchy, I am usually feel the most vulnerable about a situation.  That is my armor,  my protection for being seen for being sensitive to the situation.  The funny thing is about armor is that it blocks you from feeling totally free in yourself, and in the moment.  

Then the moment is over and you acted like a hard ass and your heart hurts more because you didn’t set it free.  Setting your heart free is what I feel we are here to do on Earth.  I feel that is ultimate mastery to constantly be bringing awareness to in every moment.  

So, mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?  It’s you.  It’s all of you.  The light, the dark, the experiences, the way you were raised, all of it.  The more we start to acknowledge and move forward the more freedom we have in our lives on a real level not just chasing down drinks, drugs, and sex to fill a void within us.  

This is what I learned from my mirror.  To love yourself and others in a way that makes them feel free by acknowledging what is coming up from the experience you are in, rather than hiding or turning into little old poor me.  So, my advice is look at the entire world as a lesson, you the observer, and the universe the conductor of it all.  All the everything on the ride called life with light and love.

Photo Credit: Andrew Masi of www.masifoto.com

​

,The “Ex Files” is how I like to refer to past relationships in my life.  It somehow helps me put a comedic vibe around the situation and intense love I feel for the men I have dated in my life.  Perhaps, like me, you have reopened a case a time or two, and the question remains, should the file stay closed or be opened? 

Relationships are tricky, complex, and full love.  Where does the love go when you break up with someone?  Sometimes when you break up there is an easy, clear sign that the two of you were not meant to be together.

Then, other times there is more gray area around the breakup.  Perhaps the gray area in your "ex file" was that you had great sex, you enjoy the same activities, or perhaps you just like to dislike each other.  But, at some point sometimes we feel tempted to open an "ex file" back up. 

I had always been a person that opens the files back up.  As I’m gaining more awareness around my habits and choices that is shifting, and for the better.  Someone once told me that, “You are ex’s for a reason,” and I felt bound and determined to change their minds on that statement.  Somehow my loves were different and we could break up and make up.

What makes us go back to a relationship that has already ended and think that it will be different?  I used to honestly believe that a person could pull a total 180 in a span of a week or even just a couple days apart.  Now, I know better and I keep the files and the fantasy closed.  

Love is an amazing drug and sometimes it can play tricks on us. Let’s be honest, the high of unpredictable and unstable relationship can be so much fun in a weird and twisted way. You at least can predict what will mostly likely happen in the relationship.  And, for some reason, even though the relationship is unhealthy you rationalize, at least you are in one.  That was my mentality for years.  

Truth be told I would convince myself that in the short span of time away from this person they had turned into the saint.  A saint I had always dreamed they could be.  I can honestly say I have never seen a person shift their entire way of being in a week or a month or two.  It takes time and commitment for a person to cultivate lasting change. Even when doing your self developmental growth, stuff will still come up and you will need to process and integrate it. 

Why does it take time to shift? Because you need time to put your self awareness into practice.  You need to be back in the fire of jealously, co-dependancy, sex, whatever the issue was that caused the two of you to break up to truly see if you have gained an awareness around it.  

It is easy to think you have changed when you haven’t been confronted by those demons or challenges with this person again.  Often, our "ex files" know exactly how to trigger our insecurities and can send us in a tailspin.  

Sometimes, we just see the potential of a person and it keeps us coming back as well. We just think that if that person could just be this or that then we could be together.  If I love them enough then they will change into version of themselves that is better, but, that isn’t love either.  

You cannot love someone’s potential.  You must love someone for they are in this moment.  If you can’t get on board with that, don’t try to date them again. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the person either.  Everyone deserves to be with a person that truly loves them as they are.  

In summary, it takes courage and confidence to keep the ex files shut, but it is worth it in the long run. Perhaps, if they ever open again let there be years between and other relationships and life lessons. 

If you truly love someone sometimes you need to fully let them go in order for both parties to move on.  Sometimes you have to rush upon your own blade and break up with them if they are unwilling or wanting to it end it. 

Write their name on a manilla folder and let it burn away.  You’ll feel much better when you do. Wishing you all the love and support you need in your life!  ​​