Welcome back for the third and final installment of the one that got away.  It took me awhile to follow up this final blog because I was still looking for the clarity behind the lesson before I could fully share it.  There wasn’t any old ramblings from college to use.  There was just my old journals and memories to put myself back into the mindset I was in when this was all unfolding. During this process I discovered some truths of my own that I have never fully admitted to anyone, including myself.  


When James let me speak to him again after all that happened between us, I was so grateful. Even though we made up school was basically over for that year. I went back to Pittsburgh and he stayed in Ohio.  This was a wonderful time for both of us. We were 19 years old. We both seemed to be getting clarity on what we wanted to do with our lives.  I decided to move to Wisconsin with my parents and go to school there.  I figured I would do better there, less partying. During our time together he told me that he wanted to pursue a different major than philosophy and film.  His interest was more in the fashion realm and he was transferring to a school closer to Pittsburgh, but still in Ohio.  


I’ll never know if he went to that school just because of the prestige or that in some way he wanted to be closer to me.  I guess in my mind I should have stayed in Pittsburgh to remain close to him, but I had to get away from there.  Some of my friends at that time were getting heavily into using prescription pills and I wanted nothing to do with that.  We saw each a few times that Summer and headed into our different directions. 


Over the years we kept a back and forth relationship going on.  Even though we were dating other people and living in other places, we still needed to have a little of each other in our lives.  We both started to change in major ways. I was becoming even more into looks, but at the same time my spirituality was starting blossom in my life. James had also started to get into the wonderful world of soul sucking drugs, otherwise known as, cocaine.  Now, that we were both into coke when I would go and see him we would do it together.  


One time, I decided to fly to NYC where he had moved to because of transferring schools and moving up quickly in his work.  He was insanely busy, but still made time for me.  I was so nervous to see him.  He was becoming this huge deal, and I was still struggling in school that point.  When I finally landed in Newark, I let him kiss for as long as he wanted.  I had never let anyone do that before.  I typically would pull away after a certain amount of time, but with him I never wanted him to stop.  His pouty lips against mine felt like they belonged together.  When we finally got back to his place, I remember the late afternoon light coming in through his Brooklyn, NY apartment.  His white sheets and his illuminating, old soul, beautiful blue-green eyes staring into mine.  Our souls danced and then he told me he loved me.  Just like that, I was all in for he and I moving through life together, creating life together, being together.  


After that we went to get beers, smoke a joint, and meet some of his new friends.  It was at that time that he was on a mission to find coke.  He wouldn’t let it rest.  I just wanted to hang out with him and never leave bed for the rest of the time of my stay with him.  The city would always be there, but something inside me knew that he wouldn’t be.  When I started to pack to leave the city I just starting crying.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I felt that every time I left it brought us further away from each other. I felt him turning away from his true center and turning into this falsified version of himself that was more harsh and less caring.  


I went back to Madison, Wisconsin with a new purpose of graduating college.  I was going to move to New York City.  My plan was to do fashion marking, be a total city chick, and have James as my love for always.  “If you want to make God laugh, make a plan,” someone once told me and, wow did the universe ever laugh at my plan.  


Before I fully graduated I went back up to NYC to visit my friend Tori, job search, and hopefully see James.  I had no idea that this would be my last time seeing him.  The three of us hung at his places doing drugs and drinking.  At some point, Tori left to meet up with other friends to let James and I have some time together.  The energy between us was different.  He was different.  I was different. We had some horrible, coked up sex, and I remembered in that moment missing that time we were in Brooklyn.  A time when we could just connect and be vulnerable together and share our weirdness together.  He always just felt like home to me, and I felt I was loosing my home.  


I stayed the night and we slept till late into the next day.  We went on a shopping walk through soho and shared a pizza.  I had to leave to take the train back to Tracy’s house to get my plane flight home.  I told him I would be here soon, just give me a few months, and I’ll be here.  The phone rang and it was his boss.  I had to leave without a proper goodbye.  I remember trying to be tough.  Trying to not show any emotion or that it bothered he took the call.  I played it off like it didn’t affect me and walked out of the door.  I felt him standing at his doorway watching me walk away and I never looked back.  That was the time I have seen him, it was seven years ago. 


I moved to the city a few months later.  I got a job working at a small PR firm that dealt with representing labels.  I had finally moved to the city!  I called, texted, emailed, and used any other form of communication that was available to me to be able to see him.  He tried a few times and every time he would blow me off.  l think at some point he told me had met someone.  Around that time, I had lost my job, the market had crashed, no one has hiring, I missed nature, was partying a lot, sleeping with men that didn’t respect me, in a nutshell I was hating my life in NYC. So I left.  


Now, looking back at that time in my life what I wasn’t able to admit to myself was, I never really wanted to move to NYC.  I moved there for one reason and one reason only, I just wanted to be with James.  That is why this lesson is strong because you cannot live your life for someone else.  You cannot expect that if someone loves you that you will love yourself.  You must be the one that loves who YOU are. The one who lives the life that YOU choose.  You must live your life for YOU and if that person is still there then you know its aligned for you.  I moved to Texas, and he got married and still is.  I still will always love the one that got away because everything happens for a reason, and truly there is never one that got away.  Because there is that saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then you'll know it never was yours.”  

Welcome back to the second installment of The One That Got Away,  A Lesson in Loving.  The plot thickens in this blog.  It is so very hard to own your destructive behavior especially when it is so cruel to another person.  In every moment we show up the best that we have the capacity for in that moment.  That is what I believe.  It is not always the easiest to put in practice because we have expectations, hopes, dreams, but on the spiritual path and in yoga we practice non attachment.  It is challenging to look at the shadows, but I encourage you to do so.  I have ,and it has been the most powerful experience in my life.  Thank you for your time and your contribution to the collective consciousness.   

It was a grey, cold, snowy day in Ohio. A day that seemed like every other so far that Winter, expect today was the day I would meet the man in the picture.  My friend Kim that lived across the hall, who was hooking up with Red asked me if I wanted to go to the picture man’s parents house tonight for a movie.  Umm… let me think…ah yes! 

There were certain important subtleties to take into consideration  in my mind when I was meeting someone for the first time.  I always wanted to make a lasting impression.  I always thought to myself, you want him to feel sexually attracted to you but also think you are cute. To me then that is how truly get a memorable meet.  It had nothing to do with how I felt or what I could contribute as a person, just surface. The outfit I planned was effortless for me to put together.  I wore a boat neck hand knitted sweater that showed just the top of my shoulder and a fantastic angle of my collarbone.  Underneath the sweater is a delicate tank top that perfectly silhouetted my frame, jeans, and natural make-up.  Keep in mind, this was freshman year in college, going to watch a movie at his parents house, keeping it low key was a good idea for comfort and for getting parental approval, but also invoking a sexual interest from him.  Little did I know that it wouldn’t have mattered what I was wearing.  The soul knows what the soul wants with or without a perfectly planned outfit.  A magnetic force is just that magnetic.  It doesn't need anything else to be memorable.   

I was the only one with a car so Kim, Red, and I piled into my honda and got on the highway.  I was driving to finally get to meet the man in the picture.  My stomach had butterflies and knots all at the same time.  I tried to play it off that I wasn't excited, but something inside of me just knew my life was about to change. 

 I wish I could recount the exact moment I saw him, but I don’t remember anything until about half way through “A Requiem for a Dream”.  Yes, the most romantic movie you could ever watch.  Graphic yes, but isn’t life as well?  I only remember this moment in time because I could feel him staring at the shoulder I planned so carefully to reveal.  

“I like your sweater,” said my date in a soft, yet strong voice that seemed to resonate in my ears.  

I looked forward to the t.v. and gathered my thoughts and hid my cheshire cat smile and slowly turned.  

My eyes followed the floor over towards his feet and started to glance up his body and landed on his eyes and I replied, “Thank you.”  

It may sound like a simple answer, but my eyes burned with intensity it felt as if I had known him for years, lifetimes even, there was just so much familiarity.  I knew I loved him from the moment I saw his picture., and now finally meeting him confirmed it.  What made me know it was twin flame type love was the energy behind it all.  It was a force stronger than I had ever felt and I was powerless to stop, and did not want to stop.  All the games and bullshit I had always played with boys I wasn’t able to access.  For the first time in my young adult life I knew I met someone that saw me.  Not just with their eyes, but their soul saw my soul and I didn’t want to run away.  We ended up having an amazing kiss before I left.  I remember the way his beautiful pouty, pillow lips felt against mine.  It was magic.  He asked me if he could see me the next day.  Of course I answered with a shy, blushing, cheesing out smile of yes. 

I had never been more excited for tomorrow then on the drive home.  I couldn’t wait to see James again.  I thanked Red repeatedly for introducing me to him.  The next day he drove down to my dorm and we ended up driving around for god knows how long.  We talked about everything.  We listened to 311, incubus, Radiohead, and my favorite Led Zeppelin.  We told each other we loved each on our second date. I fell hard and fast.  I didn't even remember that  James didn’t go to my school and was just home visiting his parents for Christmas break.  Two weeks later it was my turn to leave to go back to Pittsburgh for break.

I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted to spend every moment with him.  I felt that everything about my eating disorder, lack of self love, horrible choices, Ted and Nick, doing poorly in school it all faded away when I was him.  When I went home for Christmas I ended up getting strep throat.  I had plans to drive up and see James, but being sick I had to postpone my travel.  I had to see him.  I didn't care if I was sick.  I had gone to the doctor and got some drugs and took one day of rest.  I figured, that was good enough.  I lied to my mom and told her I was staying over at girlfriends house down the road and really drove to Ohio to see him for one night.  It was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hour drive back but I didn’t care.  

When school started again for both of us, that was when the trouble started for me.  James did not live in the same city as me, so my partying schedule was back in action. On a deeper level I was freaking out that he and I weren't able to be together.  James was absolutely perfect.  He was the most caring, creative, funny, thoughtful, fun, sensitive, genuine person.  He would come up to surprise me and make these homemade Italian dinners.  The meat, pasta, salad, a million candles that made the place look like the church in the movie Romeo and Juliet.  I didn’t have the capacity to explain that his love was scaring me because I was not in love with myself and I just couldn't believe that the way he acted towards me was true.  It all seemed like a dream.  I needed to create my nightmare.  I felt more comfortable there.  I could predict the nightmare, the dream was limitless.  

I started to self sabotage the relationship.  I would nit pick at him. I would blow him off in the most blatant ways.  One time ,I told him I was coming to visit him at his school and drove past his exit on the highway and proceeded to drive to Penn State to attend a friend of mine’s frat party and didn’t call to let him know.  He was worried about me.  I yelled at him for being up tight and controlling.  Yet, he stayed.  He didn’t wavier.  It only made him more attentive and loving and understanding.  He was trying to hold me accountable to my actions. This frustrated me.  So I went bigger.  

One of the times when he had come up to visit me I left him sleeping in my dorm room bed.  I then went over to go smoke pot and make out with another lacrosse dude. It is hard to even reflect back on that.  I never told him, but I knew he knew.  He was sensitive to energy especially mine.  I remember coming back and laying next to him and looking at his beautiful everything and thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with me?  How can I be doing these horrible things to someone I truly love? ".  The guilt of the lies and my horrible treatment to him was starting to break me down even more.  

It finally escalated when he tried to intervene with my cocaine usage.  He wanted to lovingly let me know I had a problem and that I should focus on school.  I was almost failing everything at that point and the recovery looked grim.  In that moment I knew he was right and just couldn't accept that.  I could not swallow the pill that something was wrong with me and not him.  I wanted to erase what he told me and the self realization I had in that moment, but I couldn't, so I lost my shit instead.  

I shamed and blamed him.  I told him I had a dad and I didn’t need another one.  I told him I couldn’t do a long distance relationship anymore.  I told him to fuck off.  As soon as I hung up the phone I lost my mind.  I cried and cried and cried.  I didn’t know what was motivating me to do these horrible things to the man I love.  I know now that it was because I did not love myself.  You cannot love anyone else more than you love yourself.  A week or two later I reached out.  

"James, it's Liz.  Can we talk?  I want to apologize." I said with tears in my eyes. 

He responds with, " I always want to talk to you."  

This whole mythology of you complete me, I was lost until I found you, nothing was great till there was you, can be a total trap. If that were true, then the way that James loved me should have been able to fill that void, but it wasn't.  I was loved, honored, trusted, worshiped, adored, and still I could not receive that love.  If you truly want to receive love from someone, you need to love yourself fully, and so do they.  It is an unprecedented amount of pressure to be the person that is responsible for the other person's happiness.  Someone once told me, "Happiness is an inside job.  No one else can do it for you,"  it still rings true today.  The story continues still because as most challenging times of life, the one that got away ended up being a major teacher, healer and catalyst in my life.  Stay tuned for part 3.  

I wrote this entry during my senior year of college.  It was my first attempt in sitting down to start to write my book, something I am still in the process of.  This is such a raw essay for me to revisit because while I was writing it, I was still in a place of being very drug hazed, lack of self worth and love phase of my life.  It is incredible to read how much I have shifted in such a short amount of time.  That is thing about personal growth is once you commit to it yourself, you can shift everything and anything.  We all can release what is preventing us from living an incredible, happy life, so long as we choose it for ourselves and allow ourselves to heal.  I hope this story touches something in you.  Thank you for your time.  

March 2008
As the rain falls the wind makes the drops drip down my screen , blocking my view of the outside world, my mind hazes over and I’m taken back into time thinking of the one that got away.  The circular rain drops against the little squares are pulling on my creative side.  Is that what you and I are ?  Circles and squares, the one slowing the other down, or confining its movement all together and keep the tear drop of a circle from going anywhere, or just perhaps it is perfect symmetry, a circle within the square.  There the rain drop stays until there is a change in the wind and it finally falls and shifts into a new space and place.   

The scene starts with a glance of a photograph through shiny plastic that is mounted on cardboard in a photo album on the floor of the dorm room of one of my friends.  “Who is that?!” I asked with excitement and inquiry.  “Oh that is James.”  replied my friend.  My immediate reaction was “And when do I get to meet him?”  “Soon enough.” my friend says.  

It was my Freshman year of college and I was almost done with my first semester, though I can’t say that I was paranoid about the upcoming finals, because well, I hadn’t really been at class the whole semester so it seemed foolish to care now.  The wind was blowing outside and the season shift abruptly from fall to a Midwest winter.  And for those who don’t know about a Midwest winter, picture flat land unable to block cold wind, plus snow and ice.  It’s beautiful if you can smoke enough weed to appreciate the frozen tundra in all of its splendor.  

My cell phone rings and shocks me out of my haze of staring at the picture on the floor.  “Hey! What are you doing tonight? We better be doing our Tuesday night ritual” Stephanie asked me with the enthusiasm of an eight year old wanting to go to the playground.  “I supposed I’m going out and getting trashed with you Steph, come and pick me up in 30 minuets.”  “Sweet, I’ll see you then,” Steph said as she hung up around the beginning of the then.  I tell my current hang out buddy that I must go, but that I still want to meet his friend.  He answers, “Oh don’t worry, he will think that you are great.”  

I go up to my dorm room and start to get ready for the night.  This is a everyday ritual for me, at this point I have no real sense of myself and need to fill the void somehow.  Trying on different outfits the sequence goes something like this, conservative with a sweater and a collared shirt, jeans, belt, and clogs, to then a switch when I realize I look like a teacher to, tighter jeans, low cut sleeveless shirt, and heels.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel skinny or beautiful, but that is what the night is for, I’m seeking out others opinions to hopefully wake up tomorrow and see myself for how I truly am. 

Steph calls me and I start to leave my dorm room, but my roommate on the way out.  She smiles at me and knows she won’t see me because if I don’t see one of the many guys I have lined up, chances are I will get wasted and stay at Steph to avoid coming back to the dorm rooms.  Once I get into the car Steph and I make a quick game plan of the night that we are trying to construct.  I say, “I’m gonna either go for Ted or Nick, depending on who is there.”  Steph responds with, “Eh, don’t go with Nick he’s a swimmer and is not cool. Ted has more house parties and his roommate is hot go for him.”  

We get to the bar and I glance at my curly blonde hair in the rearview mirror and reach for my pocket for a little white self-esteem.  I quickly do a key bump and we exit the car into the busy college bar.  We know the bouncer and he doesn’t seem to care about our fake ids so we enter and scan for any other potential guys that we don’t know yet.  My scan is stopped short when I see Nick from across the room, now I thought that he was better than my option, so I strayed from the plan and walked over to see him.  He bought me a drink and we starting talking.  “So, what kind of music do ya like?” 

Nick asked with such intensity and sincerity I thought he knew I was coked up, which was bad because he wasn’t the kind of guy who was okay with that sort of thing.  I told him how much I love Led Zeppelin and other classic rock and early nineties bands full of angst and that really kicked ass, as opposed to the pansy wanna be rockers like Blink 182 that were currently out.  “I have to excuse myself for a minute to use the bathroom, be right back,” Nick said with a twinkle in his eye, that’s when I knew I had him, so clearly, I had to drop him. 

 I only got to turn half way around before I was stopped by Steph who quickly snapped at me, “Ted is here!!! He saw you with Nick and he’s coming over to talk to you.”  At this point I’m not worried my high is still rocking and I’m starting to get drunk off the drinks that Nick has bought me.  Ted comes over with his flashing smile and cocky asshole vibe, and its at this point that I realize, I’m going home with Ted. 

“Hey Liz, how’s the night working out for you?  You wanna come with me for a key bump?”  “Sure.” I said.  “I haven’t had any tonight yet.”  Todd replies with, “Well then, big beautiful blue eyes, lets get out of here.”  I signal to Steph with an enlargement of my eyes and a upward head nod that the goal has been reached  and I’m out for the night.  I see Ray out of the corner of my eye on my way out of the bar, I feel bad, but only for a minute because I’m leaving with a coveted lacrosse player.  

The whole drive back to the house I’m trying to convince myself that I made the right choice, and that I shouldn’t have done that to Nick, but this is college and my priorities are who has the best parties at this point.  Ted and I blow some lines and share a cigarette; he grabs my face and tells me, “You’re beautiful.” I’m done, that’s all I needed to hear, I feel better about myself and the choice I made.  I need to feel better about myself.  I need the validation.  So I sleep with him, the clothes were off quick and the sex was even quicker.  The high I had previously felt quickly faded and I felt even worse about the night and myself.  

I stay over at Ted’s and he drops me off back at the dorm the next morning.  I’m forced to walk past large groups of freshman smokers doing a walk known as, the walk of shame.  And shameful it is.  But, not a lot of people talk to me anyways because unlike most freshman, I don’t hang out with freshman.  Steph and I had grown up together and made sure that did not get lost in the freshman shuffle, and as a result most of them hated me.  

The first thing I did went I got upstairs was changed and headed down to the bathroom to wash my face.  I didn’t want to wash my face at Ted’s for fear that he would not like me without makeup on.  I ran into a couple of the boys I got high with on my way back to my room and decided I should not go to class, but get ridiculously high and make last night fade away into the background.  Though, I only hang with guys mostly during the day I feel at ease with them and think that I should hang out with them more often, but that doesn’t work into my Monday thru Sunday bar schedule, so day shift it is.  

I hang out with them all afternoon giving them advice about how to land girls and getting into the bars on campus.  I finally leave to eat, now feeling better about myself, I go upstairs to again start the process of getting ready for the evening.  I’m out the door before one of my dorm guy pals Red comes to see what my plans are for the evening.  He tells me that we should meet up later.  I tell him we can try to work it out.  

I wanted to ensure my college career in locking down the social aspect and being the bar queen.  This is how I fell special and cool.  My friend and I bonded on this and made it a ritual to start the night off with at least 3 shots at her of Southern Comfort.  I wanted to go across the street to get high with the neighbor because he knew Ted and I wanted all the details he could give me.  I simply call the neighbor, neighbor Tim.  He is also from Pittsburgh, so clearly we all bonded over a love of the Steelers.  

“Hey there fun kid! What’s the plan tonight?”  I tell him that hopefully I’ll see Ted because I’m under the impression that we are dating now because he took me home out of all the other girls that like him.  Just saying it out loud, “He picked me!” gave me a rush of confidence that I was in need of due to the no call back from him and early morning drop off.    

He wishes me good luck on my endeavors of the night and I’m back over at Steph’s ready to go looking for my new, upper classman, lacrosse playing boyfriend, or so I thought.  We get to the bar and 50 cent “In the da club” is playing and I see Todd talking to another chick.  I try to play it cool and stand across the room, but none of that matters when you are blantly staring at someone like you’re in a trance.  I finally see what I knew all along would happen, Ted leaves with the girl he thought was beautiful that night.  

I start drinking vodka plus whatever drinks heavily until I see Nick from across the room.  A chance of redemption to get Nick back. I was fairly certain thought he would take me back.  After all, I didn’t do any lines tonight so I was excited about that, I was able to approach him wasted, but not sniffling every second, “Hey Nick, I’m so sorry about last night! The bouncer started giving me a hard time about being underage and Steph’s friend was nice enough to drive me home,” I said to him batting my eyes and smiling sweetly to him.  “You are a piece of shit Liz. I know you went home with Ted, I’m friends with his roommate, please don’t talk to me anymore, I want nothing to do with you.”  “Fine!” I tell him.  “Believe what you want Ray, have a pleasant evening!!!” I yelled with my sharpened pissed off eyes.     

He knew what I was saying was bullshit, I knew what I was saying was bullshit, I felt everything about me was bullshit.  I decided to walk home in the freezing cold because I needed to feel something other the spins and total disgust for myself.  I finally made it back to the dorms and ran into some smokers, and my roommate just happened to be one of them.  “Hey, Red stopped by right after you left, I think someone you wanted to meet is in town.”  A wave of excited flooded over me and I was just praying that it was the guy I saw in the picture.  I smiled and told her thank you.    I promised myself that I would never allow Steph to make my dating choices for me again, and that I would never be so heartless to someone again.   To be continued..... 

Hi my name is Liz Davis and I’m a give-aholic.  I love to give hugs, healings, guidance, love, and support.  If you hand me a gift in mid air I am already thinking about what I can do to give back to you to show I am grateful and I love you.  It’s a beautiful thing, but it is also important to allow myself to receive.  

When we fail to fully receive in our own life we can cut ourselves off from receiving of all kinds.  It could be flow of money, clients, jobs, inspiration, love, whatever you can receive in life.  Recently, I have brought more awareness into my give-alholic  tendencies and how that manifests in my life.  I noticed it stop a flow of abundance in my life.  I chose that I needed to shift this as soon as possible.  I chose to work out my practice of receiving with the guy I am seeing.  

So how do you enroll a guy to get excited about pleasing only for a long amount of time?  You let him tie your hands up and use feather, ice, and candle wax all over your body.  This might be intense experience for some, but for me, I needed it.  I just can’t seem to get out of my giver mode or maybe for you its all in your head, whatever the case,it was exactly what I needed.  

It started with just using a feather.  Just gliding across my skin. It felt like every cell was screaming, “Me next, me next, me next!!!”.  The day faded away, the only thing that existed in my world was this moment.  Next, I felt the ice on the inside of the arm.  The chilliness giving me goosebumps, followed by a gentle heat from a candle.  I had bought these special candles that are safe on bodies out in LA during a trip for my sex coaching school and I was stoked I got to use them.  

He wouldn’t let me break eye contact.  I had to stay engaged with him pretty much the whole time, as I had requested of him and held me to.  I felt so incredibility vulnerable, excited, beautiful, seen, present, it felt like everything and nothing all at once.  I felt like I could have exploded back into the atoms that I am made from.  I blinked my eyes a few times to come back into my physical body and not just my exploded pieces. 

 A single tear fell from my eye, I had let myself fully receive, let go, and trust.  Allowing myself to receive, let go, and trust a year ago would’ve have scared me to do.  Now, it is the only way I want to live and show up in my life because then I know I am living from a place of love and fear.  When I was fearful of knowing myself I hesitated to show my full self all the time.  The true ecstasy of life is allowing yourself to surrender into the moment.  Like anything in life, we need different tools to build and create what it is we are choosing to create.  

I invite you all to come into a practice of receiving and giving without a time limit or end game.  Just allow yourself to be. Join me this Friday the 13th at Yoga Illumined at 7:15pm for a workshop on playing with the senses. Sign up here! https://squareup.com/market/elizabeth-davis/shades-of-play-workshop Wishing you presence and love.  Thank you for reading.   

Most of us have experienced that moment when you have done something and now there may be some guilt about it. I am no different. In my never ending journey into the self I have made some choices and then later have over analyzed and shamed myself.  As I have gotten more clear about who I am as a person, I have realized that this shame and over analyzing is more a product of my environment.  Most of us have seen this plot on T.V. if the guy sleeps with a girl, he's the man, if the girl does it, she's a slut or doesn't have any self respect.  

So why the double standard in my head?   I am not into following any double standards or apologizing for my sexuality, but sometimes, I do slip, but I catch myself.  How one starts to catch the inner policing is bringing more self awareness into the situation and clearing energy around it.  This is journal entry about loving your choices and silencing the inner police.  

Date Unknown

I’m hung over.  I’m not hung over in the way you are probably thinking of due to drinking or drugs.  I’m hung over from feeling conflicted in a choice I made.  My head races.  I am thinking horrible thoughts about myself.  How could I be so stupid, careless, and slutty.  I have just slept with a guy after our second date.  Well, technically, it was the same day with me doing a yoga class in between our first and second hang out of the day.  I know I’ll feel better after I write this out and make sense of all this.  

It had been some time since I had been asked out by a guy I was really interested in.  We will refer to him as, “The Boss”.  He was a tall, strong, early 40’s man, that exuded confidence.  I had met him at a random event and was immediately drawn to him. I wanted to talk to him and connect with him. Being the smart woman I am, I wanted him to come to me so I focused my energy on thought, “I am amazing! Come talk to me!”  That is mentality you must have in order to energetically attract someone to you.  Confidence is key.  As I had wanted the Boss came over to me, we flirted and exchanged numbers and it was all in motion.  

At this point in my life it had been awhile since I had gotten properly loved on due to a hard break up.  For me, there is a difference between having sex and getting properly loved on, and the difference is huge.  It is like eating fast food in comparison to the best meal of your life.  I could feel The Boss was like that expensive dinner and I wanted to have it.  I love my sexuality and I needed to flex it.  I had left earlier that day convincing myself to play it cool, to not go back later, to make him want me more, but there is a major thing missing in that head dialogue, what I WANT.  I wanted to be taken by this beast of a man.  So I did.  

It was everything I knew it would be and more.  We didn’t sleep a wink.  He worshipped me all night long.  He was not a selfish lover.  He took his time.  He paid attention to how I would breathe, move, respond to his every action.  He asked me what I wanted and I asked him back.  We sweat, laughed, moaned, took breaks, and started again.  I left early in the morning before his daughter woke up.  I left exhausted, exhilarated, and happy.  Then the hangover started to kick in a few hours later.  


My mind raced with judgmental thoughts.  How could I do that?  His daughter was on the other side of the house!  I barely know him.  I am a slutty, shameful, girl.  I felt horrible.  I knew I spiraling out of control and had to stop myself.  These thoughts weren’t how I really felt about myself.  These were thoughts that society projects onto woman who own their sexuality.  I had been safe with him.  I had wanted that experience. I acted on that experience and had an amazing time.  

Just like that, my hangover started to dissipate.  I started to realize the only cure for a hangover is accept the choice that you made in that moment.  We can’t change the past we can only accept it and move on.  The moment I shifted my energy about myself my phone buzzed and it was a text from The Boss saying to me, “I had an amazing time last night.  Let’s do it again soon you beautiful woman.” Even if he hadn’t texted me I was still more than okay with MY CHOICE.  Love your choices.  If it doesn’t feel good in the aftermath then next time make a different choice.  Stop beating yourself up for things that are in the past.  

Welcome back to Part 2 of the art of spiritual connecting.  In this blog we will dive deeper into what you need to do to start to make your sexual relationship to a deeper place of connecting.  To review, what we touched on in the first blog is:
   1.)  Physical 
   2.)  Feel and Express Your Emotions
   3.)  Ask for What You Want & Allow Yourself to Dissolve

If you need a deeper explanation for these 3 topics or for the following book a phone session on coaching around these steps.  Coaching sessions help bring more clearly into focus what your particular block is around the art of connection. 

So how do we go deeper?  What do we need to do to allow ourselves to have a spiritual connection?  How do we need to show up for ourselves and our partner?  These tips are ways to start to allow more of the cosmic juiciness into your life.  

1.)  Make it A Ritual 
The subconscious loves ritual.  We see it everywhere in our day to day lives.  It’s only getting out of one side of the bed or not washing your lucky socks. Ritual is so powerful and can create deep energetic habits within us.  Sometimes we have created a ritual of something that isn’t serving us, or something we aren’t enjoying.  For example, maybe when you have sex with your partner you start kissing and then 3 minutes later you are having sex.  If this is you let me tell you, you are missing out.  You need to make a ritual of taking your time and moving the focus off of just being the sex.  

As a culture we deem everything else other than sex as something that doesn’t count or foreplay.  In order to have the connection and mind blowing sex you want you need to take your time and let the energy rise.  Women especially need this in order to fully let go and have  a memorable experience.  If its quick and dirty women are left laying there thinking, “What the f*$@ just happened?”  

Start the ritual of seduction back into your life.  Create a jar of lists of turn ons and have one for you and one for him.  The act of thinking of about what turns you on starts to turn you on!  Pick one from lady jar once a week or whatever you choose then it’s your partners turn to incorporate that into your week, all week.  Make it fun, make it a ritual.  

2.) Learn New Tricks
In most things in life if we do the same thing all the time we get bored.  Look at yourself as a sexual being.  Ask yourself what do I need to feel more sexy, confident, present?  Turn off the t.v., put down your phone, and spend some time with you!  If you don’t spend time loving yourself, learning new tricks, what makes you think your partner will.  Look at yourself in the mirror in different positions you want to try or practice dirty talking.  One of my favorite things to hear from someone is, “You are such a good lover, baby”  so I take time to learn new things so I can hear that more.  

You didn’t wake up with a college degree, know how to do your job, drive a car, ski down a mountain without learning and seeking knowledge.  Just because you have all the equipment doesn’t make you a pro.   Sex is the same. If you are reading this article you are on the right track, stay with it! Trying new things is a way to raise the energy between you and your partner.  

3.) Look At Each Other & Go Slow 
Let go of the porno style of having sex. Did you realize that porn stars win awards for their role playing?  That means they are faking it. So stop rabbit banging and looking away from the person you are choosing to have sex with for free without awards. If you do want to go fast, at least learn where the G spot is so your thrusting has a purpose. You will never get the connection or dissolve if you just pound away.  Again, it might feel good, you may have an orgasm, but trust me on this one, nothing beats breathing, eye gazing, and moving slower with your partner.  Keeping eye contact is so pivotal in achieving connection with our partners or really anyone.  Think of when you are meeting someone new and their eye are darting all around everything else but you.  How do you feel?  Do you feel seen? Or special?  

If you don’t feel seen or special just talking to someone with your clothes on if they aren’t looking at you why think that sex is different.  We have just become numb to the idea of true connection inundated by a world or porn and Hollywood films of false connection or pleasure.  Being present is one of the hardest and sexist things to do when you are with someone.  Don’t believe me?  Try it for yourself.  

So go out there create a ritual of loving with new tricks and look at each other!  Have fun and learn to trust and lean into your partner, after all you are having sex with them, you should trust them.  Light and love. 

Holy F%*#!  The art of learning how to connect spiritually during physical interactions with our partners can expand the definition of what we consider sex. Much of what we call "sex" remains near the outskirts of what is possible as far as cultivating energy between two people or yourself.   Where you are having fun, but you aren’t doing anything memorable – it’s not one for the books.   You may flirt, make eye contact, relax and relieve some stress from the day. You may even feel physically aroused. Your breath may deepen and perhaps you even orgasm once. Maybe not the kind that rocks your soul, but compelling enough to remind you that you have a body and having sex feels wonderful.  

What if you could change or enhance that? What if you were having sex that made you lose track of time and space.  What if you lost track of how many orgasms you had?  What if you could feel pure natural ecstasy before, during, and after your sexcapades?  Do you want that feeling? Do you want to have mind-blowing sex? Do you think you are worth or can have an experience like that?  

These are some of the questions you have to ask yourself when you start to dive into the world of spiritually connected sex.  There are a few different components to explore to start to tap into to invite this kind of energy into your sex life.  

1.) Physical

-The physical element is where you let the senses bring awareness into your body and flood your entire being.  You drop into the senses of touch, smell, taste, hearing, and seeing.  You use these senses to start to slow your monkey mind and relax into the present moment.  You can start to incorporate lighting candles, putting chill, sexy music on, eye gazing, and light touch to allow yourself to unwind from the day.  You if you don’t slow your mind down before you start anything physical it can be hard to be fully present with your partner.  

2.) Feel and Express Your Emotions

-This is where you can speak your truth about where you are at emotionally in the present moment.  If you are feeling sensitive then speak that, if you are feeling very passionate speak that.  The more you let your partner know where you are the more you give them permission to meet you there and you with them.  If you can’t express the way that you are feeling to your partner it will be very hard to ask for what it is you want.  Think about the fact that you are merging with another person and to fully let go you need to trust and communicate with them.  

3.) Ask for What You Want & Allow Yourself to Dissolve 

-Ask for what you want and what you need to feel desired and pleasured.  The more you let go of the fantasy that the perfect person will just know your body and everything you like, the more you can start own that you need to ask for what you want.  If you need to have someone kiss the back of your neck after you orgasm, ask for it.  If you need someone to move you into a different position, ask for it.  If you can start to ask for what you want sexuality asking for a raise won’t seem that hard.  When are getting exactly what we need to start to feel, drop in, and orgasm then we start to enter the world of dissolve.  When you are asking for what you want you are able to fully enjoy the experience and not in your head thinking, “I wish he/she would do….”.  No one can “give” you an orgasm, you have to allow the experience to move through your body. 

These are some of the first steps in expanding your spiritual connection to yourself and your partner.  You can keep having the same old, same old sex if that is what you desire - or you can start having an authentic conversation and feel the fullness of who we are as sexual human beings. Stay tuned for part 2 where we dive in a bit deeper!!!! 

Wanderlust is defined by Webster as, “a very strong or irresistible impluse to travel.” Typically when one hear's the word travel one might think of going on an exotic trip somewhere on the opposite side of the world, well, at least I do.  Under further examination while teaching meditation hikes at Wanderlust Yoga Festival, I find myself traveling inside of my soul, instead of a far away land. 

I taught hiking yoga for this incredible festival and I wanted it to be something more than just going on a walk around town.  I wanted to create something that people could connect within themselves and no matter where they are.  The yoga off of the mat and in the streets with all the grime and grease of life.  If we are always waiting for that next trip how can we enjoy the moment?  How can we find the breath and fully be present into every moment no matter how intense it is.  

I find that when I finally give myself permission to take walk without a desination or caloric burn in mind I’m able to see the beauty in everything I’m experiencing.  You can see the small details of buildings or how flowers bloom that you would otherwise miss while rushing past.  For me, taking time to do these walks is an incredibly grounding practice to reconnect with the magic of life, because if there isn’t any magic what’s the purpose?  I find that if I don’t use this practice of melting into the magic of life I feel more anxious, heavy, and limited.  

Part of being human I feel is to find that place of expansion and tap into our fullest potential everyday including our shadowy parts. Sharing the most vulnerable parts of ourself and our less shiny moments to me can be harder than any asana practice.   I am constantly inspired everyday by other people doing incredible things and their experiences .  I wanted to know those parts of my tribe hikers so here are some of the questions that I asked them to share with their partners:

• When was the last time your felt real joy? 
• When was the last time you felt jealous?
• When was the last time you compromised yourself to please a person or a group?
• When was the last time you felt vulnerable?
• When was the last time you felt angry and what was behind that?

Take a moment and ask yourself some of these question.  Don't think about what comes up, but more tap into how it feels in your body, mind and spirit.   I choose to focus on the gift and beauty of every life experience.  Everything happens for you and not to you.  I would have not had this awareness of any of this if I had not taken my very strong or irresistible urge to travel inside myself and come to know my inner world with all of its cracks, shadows, and of course the light. The saying is true, all who wander are not lost.  So go outside and step inside and take a walk.  Light and love. xx

Recently, I have been examining who I am as a sovereign individual.  Without the influence of my upbringing, experiences, and culture.  I was wondering if my time here in Austin had been complete.  I feel it is a natural part of living anywhere the questioning of whether or not your time has expired there based on what you want in your life.  Coming off of my trip to LA and spending time in a lot of different areas of the city I realized that my time here is not up on exploring myself in this city. My home, my heart, and my soul still have some work to do here yet.  This entry is from 5 years ago after I took my Reiki Master training and had moved to Austin recently.  

11/18/09
Last weekend, I finished my reiki master training.  Part of the training was listing things we needed to forgive ourselves for, and speak our truth and move on.  I couldn’t think of anything right away until my teacher told, “No one should ever belittle that which you are.  Always know in your heart all is perfect and right in the universe.”  This brought a lot of things up for me especially around honor.  Honoring myself.  Something that sounds so simple, and is, yet I struggle with it.  


Everything about is beautiful, and not from a place of ego, but rather knowing.  So when someone told me I was a bad person to the core, I knew something felt so wrong about that.  Then I realized this person doesn’t have a clue of who I really and truly am.  No one else is responsible for our happiness, it can only come from within myself.  If someone can’t love me like I want to be treated and accepted, I can’t blame them, I can only own what is true for me.  

I also crave this spirituality side of things.  Complex yet simple conversations about awareness and consciousness. I feel that is another struggle of mine.  Caught between two worlds of thinking.  Between trying to maintain the illusion of perfection and keeping conversations light, while internally wanting to speak about the different dimensions of space and time.  The only thing I know how to do is keep exploring the parts of my soul that want to be ignited,  And I can’t apologize for it anymore.  

This entry is powerful for me because this is still a journey I face everyday.   The choice between fear and love.  When have you felt a deep knowing with some aspect in your life but you put it on hold for a better time, or another day, another reason, just something else other than now?  The harsh reality is that the truth is very rarely silky smooth and sometimes the things we have to say feels like razorblades in our throat, yet one must speak their truth.  If you don’t speak your truth, what makes you think that anyone will else will?  

Part of being self-aware is being able to have the tough moments in time where you can do nothing else but stand in the essence of who you are in that moment and let go of other’s expectations of you.  What are some of those moments for you?  Those moments were all you can do is breath and can't think of anything beyond the moment you are currently in?  Leave a comment below, I'd love to hear your truth.  Light and love.